Horoscope for the week of November 26, 2006

Jupiter thunders into its own sign of Sagittaurus, taking the heat off Scorpio and shovelling out money, opportunities, and hangovers to the triumverate of fire signs. Corruption oozes in the background as Pluto builds up steam for another massacre of the evil.

ARIES: Lucky you, the benefic influence of Jupiter casts a smiling ray over your affairs, and it will prove fortunate for all things related to your common, day to day affairs. You will receive mail without proper postage, the garbage people will accept inadequately sorted refuse, and beggars will be standing downwind.

TAURUS: You will be faced with the crumbling debris of the past few weeks excitement. You will have a confrontation with a member of a youth gang. Your actions will determine if this youth becomes a transexual cabaret singer or just a crack addict.

GEMINI: The law will get you this week: either unacceptably sorted garbage, or stopping too close to a controlled intersection, or something of lesser importance and in public spaces. Traffic light luck runs against you.

CANCER: In a flash of light, a minor problem you have been flirting with will become solved. You will use metal, a tool of iron actually, to complete the job. The wisdom of the dead is with you. You will receive a message from the dead, too. Keep the envelope ... the postage will prove valuable.

LEO: The greater good fortune of others runs downhill and you will profit in all the bags of money being thrown around. Expect a minor gift and a minor promotion at work. Beware of a petty criminal who will scratch your car. If you catch him in the day, let him escape; If you catch him in the dark, you may scalp him.

VIRGO: Social trends continue to irritate you with their complete and utter lack of sensibility. Your support for applied Darwinianism grows, your support for the welfare state declines. Irritations will be sudden, unexpected, and without much impact other than emotional.

LIBRA: Cleaning up the wreckage from a month of pagan excesses is a snap thanks to your legendary efficiency and good sense in practical matters. You will find numerous small items of value, both monetary and sentimental.

SCORPIO: The secrets of effective social engineering are whispered to you this week, either in person, or just that helpful little voice that speaks to you on occasion. Your insights will be misunderstood by others. You will discover a secret enemy by their shrill opposition to your revelations.

SAGITTAURUS: Your birthday will come publically, and then close around that happy date, you will have three days of gin guzzling fun. You will receive gifts from strangers, stray dogs will love you, and the police will just wave you on. Beware of petty criminals operating in secret.

CAPRICORN: Resist the temptation to cast pearls before the swine. Did it work the last time and the time before? If yes, proceed; if no, well, give it up. This week, your actions are to be guided by self-interest and acquistion of advantages.

AQUARIUS: You will be confronted with evidence that the public are being duped. As a agent of social change, you will be outraged, but then again, simpletons will always like shiny trinkets, beads, and shoddy trade goods. Prepare to advance to the next level of understanding.

PISCES: The pregnancy scare will be over by next week. You will find a set of keys you lost some months ago. Wear plaid or tartan as the opportunity arrives. You will see cats fighting on Tuesday.

Confidential to Horny in Hespeler: Well, if she cornered you in the guest bedroom and grabbed your genitals it is a sign of interest. The video you took of the occasion seems to have been edited to take out the sticky bits ... I need to see them all, to really allow a complete interpretation.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.