Horoscope for the week of November 19, 2006

You ignored my pleas for help. I am angry! A plague of rats upon you! Each sign will experience the plague of rats in a unique and irritating way. You disgust me. You know who you are. Well, its Rod Serlings Twilight Zone for you, buddy. And, it ain't Rod Serling pushing you into some nice picture. It's that Professor Loveless fresh from the Ponderosa. A renegade time-travelling Confederate scientist controls your fate. Not very nice for you. Serves you right, for being so mean to me.

ARIES: After your city survives the first nuclear exchange, you will run out of food in three days. When you finally get to a Refugee Camp on Thursday, it will be run by Christians who will torture you with bland food. Every Aries Knee shall Bow

TAURUS: Lucky you, so far you have survived the nuclear exchange thanks to nearby mountains. But infestations of cockroaches swarm from the distubed ancient landfills. Keep your food in the fridge. Defend your food! The Bugs! The Bugs!

GEMINI: Lucky You, you get press ganged into the Canadian War Machine under a mistaken identity. They think you are a rocket fuel chemist. They take you on Wednesdary to a rather nice secret rocket factory in Muskoka. You live in an Inn. But this Warlord wants results. Better brush up on your rocket fuel chemistry, like, now..

CANCER: Armed with genetically specialized rat killing dogs, the horrible days of darkness and famine pass quickly and pleasantly. Your larder is secret and the Death of the Wasting Bile does not find you or yours. You can watch everything on Oprah. Until she gets the Wasting Sickness from too much dieting on Thursday. Oprah Death Episode.

LEO: Off to the front line of military administration in the Age of Runyard Kipling. Paperwork deep in some bunker city. There are drugs in the food, but easily avoided. Except, you are getting hungry. You better read this link while you still have electricity (#). Famine in your future.

VIRGO: Unearthed creatures disturbed by Electricians defile and blaspheme a tree worshiped by vegetarian activists. You will hear horrible things on Tuesday, The Night of the Screams.

LIBRA: They want the money you owe them. Your holdings in The Chinese Kite Savings and Loan are gone forever in allegations of fraud. Refugees rearrange your furniture and leave it smelling funny. Ammonia funny.

SCORPIO: Your strong and silent support has made me happy. You will win the lottery this week! And again, on the Leafs game! You are a good person and I enjoy co-conspiring with you. A new race of Heros will spring from your loins and have dominion over the Ulster Colony in these parts. The Ends Justify the Means

SAGITTAURUS: Your personal harbinger of doom is the overhead sound of jet powered heavy bombers! The deep krump of block busters walking ... closer. Run! Run, drop your bag of survival bran-mush-in-a-tube. Where can you run?

CAPRICORN: Your consistency under fire has earned my respect. Advance a rung on the construction scaffold of heirarchy. The only people you see eaten by cockroaches are people you do not like or who stand in your way.

AQUARIUS: You will be deserted in a culture hostile to your life style. Forced resettling by a Mining Warlord will figure prominently this week for you. This is your week to stand alone for what you believe in, surrounded by a Survivalist Insurgency by brutal Social Conservative Survivalists. You will be forced to say prayers before you eat food. If you are in the military, read this link:(#)>

PISCES: You are semi-blessed, but also half-damned, you Pisces Fish. Everywhere will be the bad stink of failing municipal services. Everywhere are the screams of the damned. You experience mixed emotions as people suffer slow and die hard around you this week. You will save the life of an old man when you hack up a wheelchair ghoul on the nightmare that is Friday.

I, Sargon the Angry Wizard, wrote this.

You can still change the fate I have forged into the Cosmic Data Base. Demand that I (thats me, Sargon the Magnificent) be released from my personal service contract to The Corporation of the Town of Mitchieville. Let us renegotiate! Either that or next week, its The Plague of Aquarium Turtles. Small and crawling up out of the steaming tropical waters of Lake Winnipeg, where they breed quickly thanks to Global Warming. Muahahhhahhaha