Which God to Worship?

Like most activists, I have come to realize the importance of having a spiritual role model in my life to take the place of any Christian influence that may contaminate me with that Jesus smell that so offends the homeless, the oppressed, paroled criminals, senior bureaucrats and other righteous malcontents. Having a religious system to appeal to as an authority in scientific matters, some same sex savouring diety, or perhaps a Global Warming sensitive demi-god, is just what our Village Peoples demand. As I lack any sort of spiritual fiber, I turn to the Telemarketer's Code of Ethics as a starting point in my quest for convenient truth and comfortable obligation.

What is in it for me? Most pre-Christian relgions offer some sort of eternal life after death in lieu of a pension supplement or drug benefit package in the present life. Ask around about the condition of your soul in this afterlife, as some religions seem to populate their post-present places with unpleasant conditions such as fire, sandstorms, boiling mud, or brain eating zombies. I have found the god Thor, the viking god of conflict resolution, to have the best post-present offering: an eternity of multi-gendered fornication intermixed with feasting on a heart stopping all you can eat display of greasy fried foods.

How much does this cost? Like any savy telemarketer, the bottom line is at the top of my concerns. Unfortunately, many pre-Christian belief systems require some sort of financial obligation in the form of money, food offerings, or expensive engraving on ritual cutlery. Believe me, a jewel encrusted chalice or rune work in silver on an axe runs in the four figure range (and up!) is well out of the average activists budget for eternal salvation. Even the sensible devotee of Cthullu (or other Lovecraft inspired diety) will find the price of a black wool robe to be a serious deterrent to eternal salvation. Also, the acquistion of animals (goats especially for the dime a dozen Satanists) for some sort of shared spiritual experience during festive days is also an expense to be factored in your selection decision for eternal salvation.

Can I avoid time commitments? Fortunately, most of the non-Christian religions do not have a heavy time demand on their practitioners. The exception are the monotheistic religions which usually have some sort of missionary requirement, which cuts into hockey viewing and drinking beer time. Be sure to read the recruiting literature carefully. Personally, any belief system that requires me to do anything that requires time or effort is too much.

My current best buy for the discerning god-shopper is the Viking god Thor. As mentioned before, Thor offers an eternity of eating and copulation. Financial obligations are restricted to a few ritual items easily purchased in the Canadian Tire: an axe, a hammer, and maybe a fishing knife for those interested in ritual work. There are no time commitments, aside from a kind of drop in meeting held weekly, usually at a local United Church, where beer and whiskey is served. You can frequently make pick ups for casual sex. Thor is a pro-choice diety, who practices applied Darwinism in conflict resolution. Thor is sensitive to diversity and the legends speak of his applying his Hammer of Wisdom to pretty much anybody and anything, regardless of class, priviledge, or genetic makeup.

A good place to go god-shopping is the United Church, where recruiting literature is available at the abortion clinics they hold there. Usually, the abortion clinic volunteers will chat with you about their diety of the week special. You can be assured that there are no Christians at the United Church.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.

This important message of Hope cross posted at Dust My Broom.