Easy Journey to the Underworld

Sargon the Magnificent is a sometimes contributor to this blog whom the Mayor and I, Fenris Badwulf, are pleased to see return from his spiritual journey to an Ashram located in the spiritually rich center of Orangeville, Ontario. He is Canada's foremost financial astrologer and has several large corporations seeking his advice on stocks, bonds, and mutual funds.

Many of my clients ask me about places that give them a strange feeling when they are close by. This could be a house, a bridge, or perhaps an abandoned industrial building. In most cases, these structures are actually portals to the underworld.

What is a portal to the underworld, Sargon? These are physical doorways to other dimensions, generally the place where the ancient wisdom teaches us that the mischevious dead, deceased animals that had human souls, and people with unsatisfied sexual urges, find themselves after they give up their physical form. There are exceptions, of course. If you do find yourself in some other dimension other than that of the mischevious dead, well, you are in big trouble and there is not much I can do for you unless you have one of my handy-dandy protection amulets (which sell for a reasonable $19.95 and come with complete assembly instructions).

What can I do when I get to the underworld, Sargon? The first thing you will enjoy in your vacation in the underworld is the climate. People who have returned describe it to be like a pleasant fall evening in rural Ontario. There is the low lying overcast, which you really cannot see because there is only a soft light similar to the night of the new moon. There is a fine mist which sucks the warmth of life out of your bones, and the ground tends to be either a slimy slippery concrete or some form of squishy biomass. The underworld has the scents of most night flowering plants and fungi, with emphasis on the fungi, mildew, and wood rot.

The second thing to enjoy in the underworld are the fascinating objects you will discover. You will find a diverse selection of 'magic' mushrooms, curious trinkets, bags of money, and reading materials. I suggest you not eat anything when you travel to the underworld until you become familiar with the effects of the cuisine. Werewolf bran muffins and the Chicken Caligula are best left alone by the novice traveller to the darker realm. As for the trinkets, they usually convey some sort of one time only ability, such as invisibility, victory in battle, or larger penis size. These are fun and exciting for the tourist to the dark realm, as are bags of money, which appeal to coin collectors especially. I prefer the reading materials which appeal to my academic background. In my collection I have most of the lost works of Aristotle, the Secret Gospel of Mark, and the memoirs of Hiram Abiff, for example.

On occasion, you will meet one of the inhabitants of the underworld. They are always friendly (unless they are not), but usually busy on some errand. Sometimes they will stop to talk and I have had many interesting conversations with them about investments, politics, and history. The citizens of darkness have a curiousity about the world of the living that is amusing and you can exchange facts about the living for the secrets of the dead, be they financial or culinary. Sex is always an option, as those that inhabit the underworld are completely uninhibited and have numerous fetishes, kinks, and peccadillios that delight the more hum-drum living person. Unfortunately, sex in the underworld has its price: hypothermia.

Every weekend before the full moon I take people on a walking tour of portals to the underworld here in scenic Mitchieville. Bring some hiking boots and a few items of silver and we can explore this fascinating world.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.