I Bet You Didn't Know This...

I was reading 11 "Don't-Tell-the-Wife" Secrets All Men Keep, and after every sentence I kept asking myself this question: what the hell is this guy talking about? I'm sure some of the 11 *don't tells* are legitimate, but truth be told, buddy is a dork and I tired of the article quick-smart.

I decided to make my own list, a list that will live in infamy, a list that will shake the very pillars of society, a list that will rock your God-damned world. Without further ado, I give you "The Mayor's 11 Don't-Tell-the-Wife Secrets All Men Keep".

1) Whenever you turn your head, we always stick our fingers in your chip-dip.

2) The reason every single male in the universe pees on the toilet seat is because every single male in the universe has a bizarre fetish of fantasizing that their lover is coated in their urine.

3) No matter what you think of your mother, there are only two things we think of when it comes to your mother. #1 We hate her and we want to rip out her spine and spank her fat ass with it, or #2, We want to bag your momma and tell our friends.

4) At one time or another, we have all done disgusting things to your cat with a pencil with an eraser on the end of it.

5) We would rather hold the remote control in our hand than your tit.

6) When you leave the house, we like to dress up as Chinese hookers and sing showtunes.

7) There is not one guy in the world who thinks his partner is smarter than he is. We also understand that you think the same thing. But when we're around our buddies, we laugh at the thought that you think you're smarter than us. (*Fenris and I don't actually think this way, we have respect for women, unlike the sexist Neanderthals that grace Mitchieville)

8) We hate porn, but we think it turns you on thinking that WE get turned on by it, so we force ourselves to look at hours of it every day.

9) We would rather have Rosanne Barr do a naked Riverdance on our face, we would rather stick our hand in between two pieces of bread and wave it in front of Michael Moore's mouth, we would rather lock ourselves in a lions den, spread kibble on our testicles and scream, "here kitty kitty", then watch a romantic comedy.

10) Every man in the world thinks any woman named Debbie is a fucking lying slut who is an abusive asshole that needs deep psychiatric help.

11) We wuv U.