In Praise of Thurston Howell the Third

Thurston Howell the Third is a stalwart supporter of causes administered by myself. He comments frequently on this blog and usually includes a most welcome cheque in his communications as we struggle together, activist and fellow traveller, fighting evil and hunger.

I first met Thurston last year. I was attending a free lecture given by the Students of Objectivism here at the University of Toronto. I had just purchased a complete set of the works of Ayn Rand and was hoping that the author would autograph them.

But, instead, I started chatting with the dapper Mister Howell. We soon discovered that we shared a mutual intellectual interest in Comparative Insider Trading Methodologies. By the time I looked up, Ms. Rand had left the building, and Thurston and I retired to my club, the Toronto Eyrie of the Eagle Order, for refreshment and conversation.

At the time, I was campaigning for the hungry Raccoon and Skunk-Canadians that live in poverty and hunger in Toronto. Without hesitation, Thurston Howell the Third offered to purchase several properties across town to establish feeding shelters for the downtrodden Omnivorous-Canadians. He supplied the money that paid for the truck loads of dog kibble, canned corned beef, diet banana daiquiri mix, and peach slices, that have now stabilized the population of our Raccoon Village People at an Earth-normal 13 percent growth rate.

To this day, every time Thurston is in Toronto, he finds time to call me and, before we travel into the Pleasure District, we go out and buy a few barrels of Kentucky Fried Chicken which we toss into known Raccoon and Skunk population concentration areas.

Thurston Howell the Third is a welcome do-gooder.

I am pleased to announce that one of the housing barns at the Mitchieville pre-evacuation plantation has been renamed in his honor. If you are traveling up to Elliot Lake, perhaps to prospect for Uranium, do take the narrow gravel track that leads twenty five miles into the winding bush, through Thorium rich swamps and grumpy forests filled with mutant carnivores, to the pre-evacuation center where Mitchieville’s most vulnerable citizens are cared for in authentic pre-contact living conditions. When you arrive, you will see that Housing Barn Number 17 is now the Thurston Howell the Third Campus for Political Correctness.

Let us applaud Thurston Howell the Third, and encourage others to be as generous!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.