The United Church. Who dat?

Like most activists, I first heard about The United Church many years ago when I went to a seminar given by the Communist Party at their offices located in the church to the west of Spadina and Bloor. There are a number of progressive groups that have residence in the United Church: Greenpeace and Abortions-R-Us to name a few. Most Canadians have never heard of the United Church, and even fewer attend services.

Just recently, The United Church has announced a boycott of the evil heteronormative state of Israel. Those darn Israelis are occupying Palestinian land, preventing the Religion of Peace activists there from firing missiles into civilian targets or training suicide bombers to blow up schools and nursing homes. For these crimes against humanity, The United Church has judged that the Israeli economy must die, that the factories and shops in Israel must close, and that the women and children of Israel must be stricken with famine.

It is important that, as activists, we celebrate a diversity of viewpoints by all supporting the same thing. The United Church is an activist, progressive religious movement that has long since moved away from it’s shameful Christian heritage and has long supported left wing causes. You need only look at the good works of this leftist church as they struggled against racist opposition to third term abortions, gay marriage, and Sunday shopping.

It does not matter what diety you worship, or how you express your urges to diety, you will find a sympathetic ear and shrill mouthpiece in the United Church. Whenever I visit my local United Church, minister John Judas greets me with a friendly hug and cup of tea fortified with Victory Gin. We sit in his office and I often admire the statue he has of a golden calf which was a gift to him from some of the congregation during the festival of Beltane. John is a nice guy. He soon realized that our society is prejudiced against women who have had sexual reassignment surgery, and that the United Church would accept his new identity and embrace his viewpoints, especially since John, back when he was Jane, killed his parents in self defence when they were sleeping. The case was hushed up by the Main Stream Media as it made politically correctness look bad, so you did not hear about it likely. Besides, at the time Jane (then Jane, now John) identified with oppressed racial minorities, and the activist judge, who was also secretly Jane’s lover, used race based sentencing and gave Jane only a day in prison as punishment for the twin shotgun slayings and subsequent arson rampage and ordered the health care system to pay for the expensive sexual reassignment surgery as a way of righting past wrongs against transgendered people who lived in ancient Atlantis long ago.

John (then Jane, now John) works hard to advance the socialist agenda. An important part of this agenda is the destruction of the nuclear family. Greenpeace says that Nuclear energy is bad, so Nuclear families must be bad too. Besides, the Communists, who have office space in the church, do not like nuclear families, so it must be double plus bad. Pastor John (who used to be Jane) has a motto on his business card … Just Say No to the Nicene Creed. He (or she, if you are uncomfortable with sexual reassignment surgery and need to be re-educated) discourages everybody from reading the Bible, and instead thinks the Christian ‘holy books’ should be gathered up and burned, just as suggested by the great Roman emperor Domitian.

Yes, the United Church stands as a strong pillar of political correctness, exemplifying the future of all our social institutions under the loving jackboot of socialism.

It is too bad so many people do not support the United Church, instead they spend their religious dollars elsewhere. I believe, very strongly, and from the heart, that we need to raise money to make a plan to increase attendance at this once mighty church. Members of the United Church, who generally have never heard of Saint Paul, and if they have, think he is wrong and that they know better, should be supported. And what better way to support them than by supporting my action plan?

Send me your money.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.