Bicycles are Counter-Revolutionary

Nothing upsets irritable bowel activist Uruk Hagab more than the existance of bicycles. She recently read a position paper at the Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence that outlined the anti-social engineering caused by these two wheeled engines of oppression.

Most importantly, bicycles are on the outer fringes of social engineering of activist beaurocrats and judiciary. Cars, in contrast, are licensed, taxed, monitored by police, argued over by lawyers, and massaged by laws. Not so the evil bicycle. Anyone, of any status level in our classless society, seems to be able to obtain one. There are no tests or tithes to restrict ownership to people deemed suitable by some state satrap. With a car there is a complicated and internally inconsistant wetland of legislation guarded by an unresponsible adminstration that is directed by the whims of activist judges. This is wonderful social engineering. But anyone can buy or borrow a bike and ride most anywhere they please. This is wrong in a free society that values choice.

Uruk Hagab pointed to one of the great leaders of social engineering, the supreme vegetarian leader of Germany during it's introspective period from 1933 to 1945. Would Adolph Hitler ride a bicycle to the Nuremburg rallies? The answer is No. The Supreme Vegetarian Leader favored an earth friendly Mercedes Roadster, with a convertable top so that he could enjoy the beauty of Mother Earth and the happy Earth First straight arm salutes of his diverse multi-cultural supporters. Of course, the Mercedes was not manufactured in America, which makes it better automatically, much as a Saab or Yugo is superior to a Cadillac or Mustang. The Germans of that period embraced gay marriage as well, as witnessed by the high position of Homosexual Role Model Ernst Roehm, who worked closely on a professional level with the Supreme Vegetarian Leader until Ernst died peacefully in his sleep.

Germany pursed a policy of earth friendly activism, taking most of their people into a diversity of occupations where they wore earth tones as they spread through Europe with a message of gun registration and tolerance for multiculturalism. But they did not spread through Europe on bicycles! On the contrary, the Vegetarians used motorized transport to move quickly and decisively, seizing road intersections and factory parking lots to spread their doctrine of Earthy Goodness. To reinforce their environmentalist and ethical treatment of animals credentials, the Vegetarians would often signal their arrival or departure with displays of music and hip hop anthems in a four four beat. The Vegetarians outlawed medical experimentation on animals, as this was rightly considered cruel. Instead, paid volunteers were used. How progressive can you get?

But look at bicycles. Can you move around a brass band with a few ten speeds? Have you ever seen an tree killing bicyclist porting around a tuba or timpani? Never! But the Vegetarians used their motorized vehicles (named after cute cuddly animals like the Panther or the Tiger) to carry their music, their culture, into other lands.

Bicycles are bad. Beware of bicycles and bicycle riders!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.