Horoscope-June 19-25

Sargon is away this week, to be frank, I'm not sure where he is. Last thing I heard was that he was meeting with Federal governmental leaders, trying to extract funding to build basketball courts for inner-city youth. What a guy!

However, Sargon did leave portions of this weeks horoscope on his desk, and I'll attempt to fill in the blanks to the best of my ability.

Aries-You thought last week was bad, didn't you? You aint seen nothing yet, baby. Prepare for a fistfight on Thursday. On Friday you will ride the bus to work and accidentally sit in some homeless-Canadians splotch of urine. Try soap and water to get the stain out.

Taurus-The people at work that you thought were laughing behind your back are actually laughing in front of your face. The reason that they are laughing so hard at you is because they have inside information that your sister is a lesbian and you're a closet homophobe. I suggest killing them.

Gemini-It's time to go see a doctor about those open sores around your groinial region. The bleeding will stop after three weeks of intensive therapy. Buy yourself something frilly this week. Run one red light every day.

Cancer-Your fetish of having dock workers spit in your mouth will be realized this week when you meet Bruno from the Toronto dock Authority. Take up smoking cigarettes and live life to the fullest. Show up to work hammered on Wednesday, start drinking Tuesday night.

Leo-That cute little woman from Zellers that you have been eye-humping for the last year actually has a penis. Don't fret, secretly you have always wanted to sleep with a low-wage earner who looks like a woman but has a dick. The number 4 is extremely lucky this week for you. Buy groceries on Saturday, but avoid buying the trout, it's actually cod.

Virgo-The dog that you hear barking every morning at 6am will appear at your doorstep on Wednesday and will stare at you until you smack it with an iron. Buy three Metallica albums and grow a mullet, this will bring you much luck. Throw out your blue jacket and buy a green one.

Libra-When using the public restrooms this week, always use the center urinal. Jimmy, the retarded neighbour across the street has been watching you undress every night, this pleases him greatly. Don't close your drapes, learn to dance. Dust mites in your bed number in the billions, throw out your pillows. The letter *Q* will play prominently in your decision on whether to buy stock in Inco.

Scorpio-You should never bite the hand that feeds you, but this week you should. Bite it hard and bite it often. Go to a little league baseball game and insult the pitchers from both teams, make them cry uncontrollably. This is a very lucky week for you, when meeting a woman or a man, always start out with the line, "Your ass, my face, let's meet".

Sagittarius-Do you know why your boss is always getting on your case this week? It's simple, he's a fucking asshole. Destroy him. Buy a lotto ticket Wednesday and prepare to lose. You couldn't care less anyway, you're rich. Stock up on roid cream and cans of brown beans. Sponsor a child from Equador on Thursday, this will pay huge dividends when you need a slave in 6 years. Rename the child "Francisco".

Capricorn-This is going to be a great week for you, everything that is growing on your body that shouldn't be growing will disappear. An old lady on the bus will give you her seat on Friday, don't thank her, instead, push her away with a stiff elbow to the gut. You can do no wrong. Go to the 7/11 tomorrow and steal a Milky Way and a vanilla Coke. Curse the grease ball behind the counter and make fun of his name.

Aquarius-You will be abducted by Mennonites Tuesday evening around 6. These are no ordinary Mennonites, these are Mennonites with bad attitudes and sloppy personal hygiene. Do whatever they want, resistance is futile. You will be released on Friday, celebrate by losing your virginity. Buy an umbrella Friday and cottage cheese Saturday. Smoke hash from a bong.

Pisces-Write a letter to the editor of your local paper this week and use the word "pissant" no less than 30 times. If you look closely, you will see that you have spilled red wine on your white socks. Burn the socks and seek help from someone with fashion taste. You can't seem to get rid of that cold, and you never will, it will last forever, get use to having a raw throat. Nothing is going right this week, it's better to stay in bed and pleasure yourself to the steamy lyrics of Lionel Ritchie, or Nicole Ritchie, or Ritchie Rich. Whatever, you're gay and you must deal with it. Buy lettuce on Thursday.