Happy Wester!
I know many of you might be thinking that I meant to say happy Easter, but you couldn't be more wrong. In my religion, there is no Easter, we celebrate *Wester*. You see, we hate the east and anything attributed to it, therefore, we call it Wester.
My religion is based on hate. Typically we hate everything and love nothing. As a matter of fact, we hate so hard and so deep that the word hate isn't hateful enough for us, so generally when we really hate something we just spit.
My religion dates back over 50,000 years, and has it's foundation in the sea creatures of the Adriatic. I'll be damned if you pagans think that you can trample over the traditions of my forefathers, and three mothers, and anyone that tries to stop me from celebrating Wester will be bound and gagged, have their eyes eaten by cockroaches, and their bodies thrown over a very large bridge somewhere in the Southern United States. Possibly Georgia.
One of the traditions that we enjoy celebrating is the Wester body toss. This is where we find unsuspecting people who celebrate Easter, knock them out with ether and a rag, cut open their tummy with rusty pen-knives, place a rabbit egg in their stomach, and sew them back up. Then we stand in a circle tossing their bodies to one another while singing Ina Goda Divida Baby. When we're finished, we throw the bodies down a sewer drain, smoke hash, and go to West Side Mario's for some chicken wings and penne pasta.
That's just one of the traditions that we celebrate during Wester. I hope that has given you a little perspective into one of the largest and most violent religions that the earth has ever seen.
Anyway, I have to go now, we're sacrificing a whore. I know, I know, you thought I was going to say that I had to go sacrifice a virgin. That proves to me how stupid you are. Why sacrifice a perfectly good virgin when the world is full of dirty whores? That's why your religion will never catch on with the masses, you don't think outside the box.
I'd say happy Wester to you again, but truth be told, I'm not positive that you are deserving of my graces. So, in the tradition of my religion, I'll leave you with the typical salutation given by *my peoples* to yours, "Go fuck your hat".
My religion is based on hate. Typically we hate everything and love nothing. As a matter of fact, we hate so hard and so deep that the word hate isn't hateful enough for us, so generally when we really hate something we just spit.
My religion dates back over 50,000 years, and has it's foundation in the sea creatures of the Adriatic. I'll be damned if you pagans think that you can trample over the traditions of my forefathers, and three mothers, and anyone that tries to stop me from celebrating Wester will be bound and gagged, have their eyes eaten by cockroaches, and their bodies thrown over a very large bridge somewhere in the Southern United States. Possibly Georgia.
One of the traditions that we enjoy celebrating is the Wester body toss. This is where we find unsuspecting people who celebrate Easter, knock them out with ether and a rag, cut open their tummy with rusty pen-knives, place a rabbit egg in their stomach, and sew them back up. Then we stand in a circle tossing their bodies to one another while singing Ina Goda Divida Baby. When we're finished, we throw the bodies down a sewer drain, smoke hash, and go to West Side Mario's for some chicken wings and penne pasta.
That's just one of the traditions that we celebrate during Wester. I hope that has given you a little perspective into one of the largest and most violent religions that the earth has ever seen.
Anyway, I have to go now, we're sacrificing a whore. I know, I know, you thought I was going to say that I had to go sacrifice a virgin. That proves to me how stupid you are. Why sacrifice a perfectly good virgin when the world is full of dirty whores? That's why your religion will never catch on with the masses, you don't think outside the box.
I'd say happy Wester to you again, but truth be told, I'm not positive that you are deserving of my graces. So, in the tradition of my religion, I'll leave you with the typical salutation given by *my peoples* to yours, "Go fuck your hat".
posted by The Mayor at 3:32 PM
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