Please do not Pee on the TTC

TORONTO - The Toronto Transit Commission (the TTC) has announced tenders for the creation of diversity messages and songs to be played on TTC subway stations, subway cars, streetcars, and bus depots to discourage public urination and defecation.

Over the last year, the TTC has noticed a great increase in public urination with consequent rises in expense of cleaning cars, buses, and stations. The initial response of the TTC was a crackdown using their transit police force, but this failed when eight of their officers were charged with hate crimes in the failed ‘Please don’t Pee on the TTC’ campaign.

The campaign started in response to a lost law suit. Gangsta-Gangsta Ho-slappah M’phoot was questioned by police regarding a public urination incident last May. Ontario judge Neville Chamberlain ruled that Gangsta-Gangsta Ho-slappah M’phoot was not adequately informed of the community standard against public urination. The officers sent to question him used harsh racist language evocative of plantation days, viscious words such as ‘please’ and ‘should’. In the subsequent civil suit, Gangsta-Gangsta Ho-slappah M’phoot was awarded ten million dollars for mental distress and racial profiling. This lead to the TTC formulating its ‘Please don’t Pee on the TTC’ campaign.

The TTC put together a number of consciousness raising materials and set up information kiosks.

Only fifteen percent of people carry infectious diseases in their urine.
Only twenty five percent of people carry infectious diseases in their feces.
Urine and feces are only dangerous when they come in contact with skin.

Racists embedded within the Amalgamated Transit Union (the fascist trades union that does not support the Liberal party) pointed out that

Of the people who piss in public, seventy five percent have infectious diseases.
Of the people who shit in public, all have infectious disease, and are violent.
Nearly all of the TTC workers who have come into contact with human waste, have been infected with incurable tuberculosis or other horrible diseases.

Given the failure of their campaign, the rising militancy of their workers, and the ‘no arrest’ policy of the transit cops, the TTC has decided that a hip-hop song, in some Toronto Ebonic dialect will solve the problem.

Are you fluent in Toronto-Ebonic? Your suggestions are welcome!


I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. Every fact fact checked by ShakaZulu, our CBC trained fact-checker.