The true story of Haggis

One of my fellow cabinet ministers is off on an important fact finding mission to Scotland. Here is an amusing historical giblet for your amusement and edification:

Once upon a time, Scotland was ruled by a greedy man, whom everyone called King William to his face, but was called Ironpurse behind his back. He was called Ironpurse because he was very good at collecting taxes, but very poor at paying people what he owed them. Ironpurse was a mean man. He never heated the castle, he never spent money on candles, and he never had any parties. All in all, a grim man, a type familiar to all who know Scottish people.

One summer, Ironpurse was at war with the fierce Vikings, who attacked from the north by sea. To the south, he was at war with the dullard Anglo-Saxons, who attacked by land. Ironpurse was hated by his people, who were groaning under heavy taxes and then told to go fight with wicker shields and tree-branches when the Vikings used swords of steel and the Anglo-Saxons had axes of iron.

Ironpurse decided to seek peace instead of war when his peasants began to throw turds at him when he went riding in the country. It was July. As was the custom of the time, he invited the Viking war chief, Ragnar of the Chipped and Bloody Sword, to a big feast. Ironpurse begrudged the vast amount of silver pennies he had to spend on dinner … things like oat cakes, beef steaks, mutton pies, and spinach salad. It is said that Ironpurse wept when he opened his treasure chest in that hot July in Edinburgh.

The Vikings arrived. They were soon drunk, as they brought a lot of that Hebrides fire water with them, which they used to wash down the handfuls of food that Ironpurse had set out before them. Ragar, the Viking warlord, was making vulgar remarks and wiping his face on the table cloth. The rest of the Vikings started to throw food to the dogs and make lewd sexual comments to the women and young boys. Ironpurse grew angry, but he was too cheap to do anything about the disgusting manners of the Vikings. He just smiled as they flung spoonfuls of oatmeal at the walls or planted kisses on the servers.

Ironpurse’s mother was still alive at this time. Her name was Agnes the Half-Irish. She was angry, too. Ragnar had put his greasy fingers all over her best linen shawl, and then had thrown up on the shoes she had bought in Paris. Agnes went over to Ironpurse and demanded that he do something. Ironpurse said that he could not afford a war with the Vikings and this is what he had to endure to have peace. Agnes twisted his ear and punched him in the throat, so Ironpurse gave the signal to his guards who then slew the drunken Vikings where they sat.

A few hours later, as the sun rose, Ironpurse lamented his bad luck. He was still at war with everybody, and he had spent a years worth of money on a single nights feasting. ‘Woe is me,’ he said, gnashing his teeth and beating his breast.

Agnes told him to make peace with the Anglo-Saxons. ‘But I have no money for a feast,’ lamented Ironpurse. He wailed and watched his servants drag off the still warm bodies of the Vikings.

Then Ironpurse had a clever idea. He sent messengers to fetch the Anglo-Saxons to a feast to talk peace. ‘What are we going to do about food?’ asked his kitchen staff. Ironpurse had this brilliant idea: cut the stomachs out of the Vikings, which were filled with undigested and expensive foods, and serve them up to the Anglo-Saxons, who are considered somewhat stupid by the Scottish people.

It worked like a charm. The stupid Anglo-Saxons feasted on haggis, believing the fib that it was a sheep stomach, when it was really Viking. Ironpurse had peace and saved money too. He was happy, and the people of Scotland were happy.

This is the true story of the haggis.

Yes, enjoy the haggis when you visit the peace loving people of Scotland. It is available fresh, or canned, in a variety of flavors for your discerning palate. Try Irish style Haggis with some fresh Oranges, or sample Viking style Haggis with your morning kippers, and then there is English style which is tasty with fresh scones.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, shared this with you.