Notorious Canukian Outlaw Identified as "Big Foot"

"You can't see no eyes, nothing, just black, but it was moving pretty fast."

The Mitchieville Gazette today in a front page story [unable to link due to page 404 error] scooped the rest of the mainstream media with a breaking story describing how the evil Lothar Bisquick, a former animal relations official for MAC, the Mitchieville Adminstrative Centre, has been positively identified as being the "Big Foot" creature who recently completely unnerved the tiny Yukon village of Teslin in the far northern territory over Dominion Day holiday. The connection was only able to be made today through DNA extracted from a tuft of hair found in the woods, which became the "strongest possible DNA evidence yet available - only able to be evaluated through world-leading technology which has just been perfected by key researchers at the University of Mitchieville Medical Laboratories, Ltd," (UMML) according to a high but unnamed official on PMPM's staff in Ottawa.

Readers of the Edmonton Journal may recall this story from July 22, 2005.

TESLIN, Yukon - It was a quiet night in Teslin when the woods began to crackle and the dogs started to howl. Melvin Harper heard it, and saw a figure flitting near a neighbour's light post, then through a forested island next to the log houses in this Yukon town of 400. "It was something big, about eight feet tall. It's black, hairy, muscular. It was huge," he said. "He was, like, teasing us, making noises in the bush, coming back and forth. "It freaks me out that they do have stuff like that out there, that you never seen in your life before. And that big means they are breeding."

"It was like a sasquatch," said Tom Dickson, who also saw the creature. "Like how you see it on TV, how they advertise it -- the same image. You can't see no eyes, nothing, just black, but it was moving pretty fast.

Read the entire story to understand the total terrour felt by these stalwart woodsmen.

Canukian Federation of Biological Societies (CFBS) officials surmise Mr. Bisquick, known to take sudden, unexplained "camping" trips lasting several days, including an extended trip during Dominian Day last, was apparently too much into 'fruit of the vine', as it were, on at least three week-end 'campouts' near Teslin during the past camp season, and for reasons currently unknown 'reverted' to his true nature and form. CFBS investigatours promise further forthcoming inquiries.

RCMP and Canukian Wildlife Service (CWS) conservation officers are currently rumoured to be scouring the huge woods south of Flat Rock Airport searching for Mr. Bisquick's last known evil nesting place. Further details may be pending.

dictated verbatim by special messenger from Prince Remus to your humble scribe.