Subway Terror Attack

A message from Tourism Ontario, in cooperation with the Canada Arts Council.

As proud members of a multicultural community that embraces all voices and cherishes life, how are we supposed to respond to a terror attack on our public transit system?

Do not resist Remember that the freedom fighters blowing up our buses and subways are here to resist American aggression. Let them go about their business without interference.

Do not profile Resist thought crime and do not profile! It is better to direct your fears upon white heteronormative males, the police, Christians, and all authority figures who are not members of the liberal party, than to suspect swarthy muslims overdressed in summer with heavy gym bags. Do not forget who the real enemy is.

Do not co-operate Some cultures in Canada look upon the Police as an army of occupation. We should not help the police in any way, as this offends people in these other cultures. The less the Police know about who the freedom fighters are, the more successful the campaign will be.

Send money Freedom fighters need money to gather the implements of peace they need to stop the evil Americans. Help them with money, answer their questions about buildings and industry in the city, and give them gasoline, ammonium nitrate, and roofing nails as required. Tell all your Muslim friends how much you support them … maybe they won’t kill you.

What can we expect? There is little credible evidence that freedom fighters will attack. If they do attack, it is because they were provoked by the evil Americans. Blame Bush should be your mantra as you step out of the debris field. Here are a few suggestions…

Grade Schools Nothing says freedom louder than a massacre of little children. Freedom fighters have already demonstrated this in the wonderful operation against the evil heteronormative Russians in Beslan. Take comfort in the thought that it is mainly disgusting heteronormative people who have children, not the superior homonormatives. A nursery school massacre will not affect our gay tourist industry.

Chlorine Storage Facilities Toronto is dotted with these large tanks of toxic gas, usually at swimming pools at public schools, and completely unguarded and easily accessible. A small charge can quickly rupture the tank and create a cloud of choking death to add credibility to our freedom fighters demands for peace and an end to violence. Depending on the time of day and weather conditions, somewhere between a few dozens to the entire city of Toronto could become martyrs for political correctness.

Oxygen Storage Facilities Our hospitals all have big tanks of liquid oxygen. These too can be easily blown up, starting a horrific inferno that will probably incinerate the hospital and a few blocks around it. Depending on the location of the storage tank and the ability of hospital staff to efficiently evacuate their patients, somewhere between ten to five thousand could become martyrs to political correctness.

Let us stop this nonsense right now, Canada. Send a letter to George Bush, asking him to make nice. Give money to the Liberal Party, as they are the only party capable of keeping Quebec in Confederation and keeping our strategic gay voters happy!