Give the gift of love....Nothing

The main purpose of this Royal Society paper was to study how to make a courtship contract that has no real enforceability but still works. We, the global inhabitants of this world, call this a "relationship".

Mathematicians and evolutionary biologists at University College London said men should adopt a strategy of giving gifts which are "costly but worthless" so they can not be resold.

I suggest that when you present your significant other with a gift, try to avoid telling them that the gift is "costly but worthless". You want to know what is really costly but worthless? Marriage.

Such tokens are a sign to the woman that the man will be committed to the relationship, but do not carry the risk associated with lavish gifts - such as a car or a diamond necklace - of attracting a "gold-digger" who will later run off with someone else.

Any guy that buys his girl a car pretty much doesn't care is she's a gold-digger or not. If you can afford to buy your sweetie a car, or a diamond necklace, you can afford to be taken to the cleaners when the inevitable happens.

I have one word for all you guys that are thinking about buying your honey expensive jewelry; zirconium.

"The male has to deter the woman from gold-digging. That's the point about giving gifts that are essentially worthless to the female, so she cannot pocket the goods and rush off."

I couldn't agree more. Strong relationships are certainly not based on trust, they are based on costly but worthless gifts, and the woman's reaction upon receiving them.

Instead of getting your girlie a diamond necklace, go to your neighbours garden and take some of their flowers. Next, roll up an old newspaper and place the flowers inside it, but make sure the bottom of the newspaper is twisted tight. When you hand your lucky lady your hand made craft, tell her this: I would not only take a bullet for you, I would also steal for you. Next, watch the tears roll down her grateful face. Try it, then email me and tell me how it went.

Writer AL Kennedy, said gifts could sometime be used as a substitute for real emotions. "I think effusive giving is quite ambivalent - 'I can't be bothered having a feeling so here's a bag of stuff,'" she said.

I'm going to let my generous readership in on a little secret, a secret that might one day save your relationship with your sugar pie; women love bags of stuff. Go get yourself a bag and fill it with stuff, fill it to the brim with all sorts of neat crap, and then hand it to your beau. Everyone loves a surprise, everyone loves receiving gifts. Now don't be a knob and fill the bag with grass clippings and squares of toilet paper, fill it with pretty things, like a rose, a book of poems, a Mach 4 razor, things like that.

Upon further reflection, from 11 seconds ago to be exact, I actually know what the perfect bag of useless crap that makes women happy surprises consists of.

A red rose, a book of poems, a gift certificate to a spa, a hand made card expressing your love for them, a DVD of "Dr. Phil's greatest hit-jobs", $1400 in cash, your testicles on a plate, proof that they're the prettiest girl ever to walk the face of the earth, 200 chocolate bars, a signed affidavit stating that you will never smile again, mindless Harlequin Romance novels, the complete series of Sex in the city on VHS, a horse blinder that you promise to wear whenever you walk outside, a handwritten note that says you promise never to see your friends again, more proof that they're the prettiest girl ever to walk the face of the earth, and finally, your soul.