It cuts like a Knife

I knew this time would come, but I predicted it wouldn't be for another 5 years or so. Scotland wants to get a head start, but I know we'll follow suit, for this is too delicious to pass up:

Doctors seek kitchen knife ban

LONG, pointed kitchen knives should be banned as part of a concerted effort to reduce the terrible injuries and deaths caused by stabbing attacks, doctors warned today.

Accident and emergency medics claim the knives serve no useful purpose in the kitchen but are proving deadly on the streets of Britain, with the doctors claiming the knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings.

It's true, I can hardly see how a long pointed knife could be useful IN A KITCHEN. We should all learn to cut our food with a spork, or with our fingers. Wouldn't it be a much safer if we could just use our fingers to cut tomatoes? We are a backwards society, long pointy knives are so 1997.

Latest figures from the Scottish Executive show that in 2003, 55 of 108 homicide victims were stabbed by a sharp instrument - often a kitchen knife.

Often a knife? So then it's also often NOT by a knife. Obviously a few Scots were butchered by scissors, they're pretty damn *pointy* to. And don't forget about smashing your better halfs head in with the coffee maker, it could happen, no doot aboot it.

Writing in the British Medical Journal, specialist registrar Dr Emma Hern and emergency medicine consultant Dr Mike Beckett said a short pointed knife may cause a substantial superficial wound if used in an assault, but is unlikely to penetrate to inner organs. However, a pointed long blade pierces the body like "cutting into a ripe melon".

Internal organs can be heavily damaged, causing serious injury or death. The doctors said long knives with blunt ends - such as bread knives - would do far less damage.

Let me see if I'm following this, you mean to tell me that long knives can cause damage when thrust through a person's body? Stop the presses, this is a revelation. I've never thought about that before; knives can cut, wow. And here's me thinking that knives were only used for juggling, I suppose that's just the "Barnum and Bailey" in me.

Dr Hern said: "Many assaults are impulsive, often triggered by alcohol or misuse of other drugs, and the long pointed kitchen knife is an easily available, potentially lethal weapon, particularly in the domestic setting. Government action to ban the sale of such knives would drastically reduce their availability over the course of a few years."

So it's the knives fault, not the drugs or booze, or the fucking psycho who's killing people? Makes sense to me. And as an added bonus, if they ban long knives, it will certainly cut down on all those drive by knifings.

Yes, knives should be banned, in Scotland.

If you Scottish folk really want to cut down on domestic assaults, you would ban haggis.

Long pointy story can be found here .