On the Campaign Trail With the Mayor
I haven't been talking much about my re-election run lately, quite frankly it's been a fucking disaster from the start. When this bullshit started I immediately had a 93 point lead, now I'm losing, and I'm losing badly. Lucy Mendez(illegal immigrant) is so far ahead of me right now I can't even smell her cheap perfume. Jerry Casby(narc) is kicking my ass so hard I have welts in my anus. What a freak show this has been, no barrle of monkeys that's for sure. Do you remember I told you about how I was going out and cutting the ribbon for the new Montana's that opened in Mitchieville? That's where it started.
For the record, I don't scratch my crotch alot. I'm pretty normal when it comes to scratching my balls in public, sometimes I might have to get a fast one in, but most times I keep my hands away from my package. So I go to this grand opening and get up on a chair to make my speech, and this hot chick walks in through the door. I'm checking her out big time, but I'm still calm and collected in my speech. I'm giving her the eye, you know, making sure she knows that I know that she knows I'm here, I think. I'm yapping away like the consumate politician that I am, and I'm looking her over like I'm buying British Columbia salmon. Unbenownst to me, I guess I was scratching myself and I didn't even realize I was dong it. Best estimates say I was yanking away for 5 minutes, worst estimates put it at 12 , I was basically fornicating myself in front of 300 people for the better part of 10 minutes. Basically, I had my hand on my crotch for the same amount of time it takes to listen to Stairway to Heaven. And then my campaign took a media friendly turn for the worse.
A couple of days ago I kind of lost control and went bizerkers. A reporter got all the shit on camera, and it makes me look really bad. Let's have a show of hands, who do you hate more, liberals or al queda? Hmmmm, it looks like a pretty even split to me. Well, this little fucking twerp liberal has been hounding me on the campaign trail from day one, nagging at me like a little bitch. I hate those fucking weasels, always yelling shit at me and screaming a blue streak like a polecat with a lug wrench up its stupid ass. Yelling shit like" Hey, hey, he don't care, he's one corrupt, motherfucking Mayor". Always harassing me about that incredibly false story about me "stealing" money from the city coffers. Or how I got a few women pregnant out of wedlock. For the record, I'm a Church of Latter Day Saints guy, so I believe in having a lot of kids. I just don't have any money or time to give to them. I can offer them nothing in the way of a father figure, and they will not will receive any recompence. Still, I suppose in my own way, I really do love all 8 of my illegitimate children. So I had it up to here(I'm pointing at my neck), I was ready to explode, when he comes up to me outside the Denny's and accosts me verbally. I fucking lost it, I saw black. I grab this little Mary around the neck and proceed to show him what a little Mitchieville justice looks like. I gave him so many fucking lefts he was begging for my right. There was so much beating going on you would have thought you were at an Irish wedding. Even Ike Turner said to me, "whoa man, go easy on the bitch". All the while, this fucking scab of a human clicks a few thousands shots of this mess, and the next thing you know I'm on the front page on the Mitchieville Times. Now people have an image of me as having some sort of "mean streak". The pictures that were published do not by any means convey the whole story, there's always two sides to every coin.
To recap, in the last week I have been shown to be a manic crotch scratcher, I have a few illigitmate babies, and I'm a violent maniac. Yup, not a good week at all. I need to regroup and start over. I cannot go back to the real world again, I will not go back, I don't care what it takes, I will continue to be the Mayor. I just need a few well placed breaks, and then look out Lucy Mendez(vegan), and Jerry Casby(wife beater), I'm not finished just yet.
For the record, I don't scratch my crotch alot. I'm pretty normal when it comes to scratching my balls in public, sometimes I might have to get a fast one in, but most times I keep my hands away from my package. So I go to this grand opening and get up on a chair to make my speech, and this hot chick walks in through the door. I'm checking her out big time, but I'm still calm and collected in my speech. I'm giving her the eye, you know, making sure she knows that I know that she knows I'm here, I think. I'm yapping away like the consumate politician that I am, and I'm looking her over like I'm buying British Columbia salmon. Unbenownst to me, I guess I was scratching myself and I didn't even realize I was dong it. Best estimates say I was yanking away for 5 minutes, worst estimates put it at 12 , I was basically fornicating myself in front of 300 people for the better part of 10 minutes. Basically, I had my hand on my crotch for the same amount of time it takes to listen to Stairway to Heaven. And then my campaign took a media friendly turn for the worse.
A couple of days ago I kind of lost control and went bizerkers. A reporter got all the shit on camera, and it makes me look really bad. Let's have a show of hands, who do you hate more, liberals or al queda? Hmmmm, it looks like a pretty even split to me. Well, this little fucking twerp liberal has been hounding me on the campaign trail from day one, nagging at me like a little bitch. I hate those fucking weasels, always yelling shit at me and screaming a blue streak like a polecat with a lug wrench up its stupid ass. Yelling shit like" Hey, hey, he don't care, he's one corrupt, motherfucking Mayor". Always harassing me about that incredibly false story about me "stealing" money from the city coffers. Or how I got a few women pregnant out of wedlock. For the record, I'm a Church of Latter Day Saints guy, so I believe in having a lot of kids. I just don't have any money or time to give to them. I can offer them nothing in the way of a father figure, and they will not will receive any recompence. Still, I suppose in my own way, I really do love all 8 of my illegitimate children. So I had it up to here(I'm pointing at my neck), I was ready to explode, when he comes up to me outside the Denny's and accosts me verbally. I fucking lost it, I saw black. I grab this little Mary around the neck and proceed to show him what a little Mitchieville justice looks like. I gave him so many fucking lefts he was begging for my right. There was so much beating going on you would have thought you were at an Irish wedding. Even Ike Turner said to me, "whoa man, go easy on the bitch". All the while, this fucking scab of a human clicks a few thousands shots of this mess, and the next thing you know I'm on the front page on the Mitchieville Times. Now people have an image of me as having some sort of "mean streak". The pictures that were published do not by any means convey the whole story, there's always two sides to every coin.
To recap, in the last week I have been shown to be a manic crotch scratcher, I have a few illigitmate babies, and I'm a violent maniac. Yup, not a good week at all. I need to regroup and start over. I cannot go back to the real world again, I will not go back, I don't care what it takes, I will continue to be the Mayor. I just need a few well placed breaks, and then look out Lucy Mendez(vegan), and Jerry Casby(wife beater), I'm not finished just yet.
posted by The Mayor at 7:01 AM
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