Mugshot Of The Week

Thomas D. Newell is a five time loser. He may actually be a loser many more times than that, but I'm basing his loserness on the fact that he just got nabbed for his fifth DUI. I'm sure after the judge throws the book at him and when he gets out of jail in two days, he'll quickly become a six time loser.

Pretty much the only good thing about stinkin' drunks like this clown is the stories that they tell. Take for instance the classic line Thomas gives the copper when asked what happened to his gnarled face:

"The driver had blood on his forehead, nose and chin, and his breath smelled of alcohol," said Shastany. "He (Green) asked Newell what happened and he said, 'Nothing.' Green said, 'You're bleeding,' and he said, 'No, I'm not.'"

I honestly believe Thomas thought he wasn't bleeding, or had any cuts on his head. That's a drunkish kind of thing to say. Think about it, I'm sure you can remember times when you woke up after a hard night of boozing and you looked at your fingernails and they had tons of dirt under them. Then you started to think, "I was at a bar all night, how the fuck did I get dirt under my nails?" That's the way drunks think.

That's why I believe Thomas when he said he wasn't bleeding. Because in his giant melon he's sporting, he's not bleeding, he probably thinks he's just sitting in a cop car looking all sexy-like.

Thomas, you drunken swine, you are Mitchieville's Mugshot (loser) Of The Week!