Waiter, Is There A Fly In My Bread Bowl?

I didn't know this, but the bread bowl is a relatively new food product on the British culinary scene. At first the bread bowl wasn't accepted very well in Britain, but as of late it has really taken off:

Elaine Watson, from the magazine Food Manufacturer, said: "The bread bowl is one of the most innovative product launches in recent years."

I can hardly look at a bread bowl without water trickling down my most-masculine cheeks. Not many people know this, but it was I who invented the bread bowl, one product among many that I have invented for the food and beverage industry.

Let me take you back to the summer of 1992. I was in my early twenty's, a long haired rapscallion with a body like a baseball player on roids and the brain of a stoned-out Einstein. It was right in the middle of a binge drinking weekend that I had the idea of the bread bowl, the idea came right out of the blue to me. It was a sign from any God but the Christian God.

I decided to open up a restaurant and showcase my idea. Since I didn't have any money to open a restaurant on my own, I held up the Sam the Record Man store on Yonge St. Although I felt bad about having to shoot a cashier dead in cold blood, I felt better knowing that I now had enough money to pursue my dream (and a few extra bucks for some cocaine and a few dirty hookers).

Unlike the boring old bread bowl you see today, everything in my restaurant was made out of an edible food product. The knives were made out of carrot sticks, the forks were made from celery, the spoons were carved from fresh ginko nuts.

The plates were made from giant mushroom caps, the cups were made from hallowed out apples. The napkins were thinly sliced pieces of prosciutto and the tablecloth was flattened pizza dough. The chairs and tables were made from French loaf and giant crackers.

Every last thing in my restaurant was made from an edible food product, right down to the cannoli menus and the artichoke flower arrangements.

I was making a fortune, I was making money hand over fist. But then one day I took my idea way too far...I mean, I took it WAAAAAY too far. I came up with the idea of the edible waitress.

Against the advice of my friends and family, I decided to fire the four waitresses that I had and build four new waitresses out of cheddar cheese.

It didn't take long for my business to fall apart. It wasn't so much that people didn't like the cheese waitresses, it was the fact that people REALLY loved the cheese waitresses. By the end of each night I had to rebuild each waitress, all that was left of them was a few toes and an eye socket.

It was July 14, 1993, a mere five days after my cheese waitress creation, that I decided to call it quits. Business was brisk, the place was packed. By this time people from all around Ontario and portions of Tonnawanda and Western New York were coming to my restaurant, but now they were bringing their own crackers. If that wasn't bad enough...

At 9:30 pm that night, I walked over to a table of four teenagers, and what I saw made me puke my guts out. One of the young men was dipping his cracker in cheese waitress' vagina while another kid was rimming the same waitress. This is now known as a *cheese job* in southern Ontario.

Seeing this, I knew I had to give up restauranting and walk away forever. I still have that memory seared in my mind. I can't even pass by a Loblaw's deli without barfing. Even the thought of oral sex makes me queasy (although I cowboy up and give it to TLDG whenever the moon is high in the sky. Or Low. Or if its cloudy. Whatever)

I'm glad you stayed with me to the end. I really needed to get this off my chest, I really needed a friend tonight. And, like always, you were there.