Horoscope for the week of October 28, 2007

ARIES: Use a little magic of your own and sort through some unused clutter in a backwater of your life. You will be susprised to feel the eyes of someone watching you from a picture on the wall.

TAURUS: Revisit some tasty foods that you have been ignoring for no good reason. And, when you do so, you will discover that your ability to serve them up (select, prepare, garnish, and consume).

GEMINI: The week starts off with a public demonstration of your skills. You are admired by the mob, which is good. Listen carefully while you tell them what to do, as you (with your Superman quality Gemini hearing) will hear a few tasty bits that will guide you to a wise investment in Oil Stocks.

CANCER: Pouring boiling oil on trespassers never felt so good as on Tuesday. Too bad they are wearing hauberk or byrnie and only get a bit of a third degree burn. Perhaps a cloud of lime would aid them. Catapault a dead rat or two into their camp at dinner for zest.

LEO: You will work hard in an unexpected way to earn and retain your crown as King. Look for this opportunity, and seize it.

VIRGO: You will be blessed with romance this week. Yesterdays glance becomes an extended look across whatever public space you share with this new interest. Expect some quality time, with all the delights that you enjoy. Your soul mate will have a ring with the letters CTR.

LIBRA: You are the smartest sign of the zodiac this week. The infinite wisdom of the all knowing cosmos is accessible to you. You may retain this ability when you impose order on something rather disordered.

SCORPIO: While you are familiar with the lesson of the unfortunate Chris Farley (as shown below), it would be good for you to contemplate the purpose of the Supreme Being in gifting you with wealth, power, influence, and a dynamic sex life. Indeed, these gifts are neither bad, nor evil. It is what you do with them that matters. You know this, anyway. Blah blah blah.

SAGITTARIUS: Pluto exiting your sign will leave a few gifts behind for you. Indeed, you will find three objects this week. One is most valuable, one is common, and the last will bring you grief. Choose wisely.

CAPRICORN: For those of you banished to the middle ages, this is a week of good pillage (lots of food and drink, aaargh!), followed by a victory in battle on Thursday. You may expect to return to this dimension on the weekend. The entity that took your place did not do the laundry and used up all the gas in your car. For those Capricorns not banished to the middle ages, you will win the Lottery.

AQUARIUS: You are about ready to begin to listen to a steady stream of good advice. This will manifest as 'hearing voices'. Be discreet in who you tell that you are 'hearing voices'. Perhaps telling no one at all would be a great idea.

PISCES: When your co-worker discovers a spent shell casing under your desk, your plans to rob the bank on Wednesday will be postponed. When a homeless person asks for change, punch him in the throat.


1) Those of you who are not Platinum Club members who have tumbled on my coded system for communicating stock market picks and other useful items in these proletarian horoscopes are to be commended. You have applied yourself to the lessons in Alchemy for Investors and I am pleased.

2) Nothing like the Sun transiting Scorpio to bring matters of death, inheritance, and shared resources to the front. Speaking of which, here is a picture of the comedian Chris Farley. It was in Fenris' database for some reason (along with some pharmacological data on opiates). Nonetheless, the picture is interesting for two reasons: firstly, the doomed comedian is shown grasping his rosary ... in his last moments he sought comfort in religion. Secondly, he also was frothing at the mouth from the cocaine/heroin overdose. The foaming mouth is a common symptom of the seizures that accompany this form of death. The lessons here are familiar to all Scorpio, but not so much for the rest of us. That is a) we have an inherent sense of right and wrong (as in, Chris knew he was in for a rough ride before the ride started), and b) scorpions can kill you. As much as we have a great hourly wages and benefit packages from our politically correct job, those little creatures we are playing with (be they cocaine or Crips) do have sting. With Pluto (who rules over such things as Chris' overdose here, along with war and money) about to enter Capricorn, it would be wise for those of you who are playing with Pluto to realize that those Capricorns (so dull, aren't they) are going to be calling the shots. No more Sagittarian political correctness. So, either keep your rosary close, or lay off the cocaine. Thats a metaphor. Jesus would say it better, truly. And, if you want to avoid meeting him sooner (like Chris here), I suggest you re-evaluate your situation before you find yourself (figuratively) choking on your own vomit and wondering who the nice man in the white toga is. Muahahhahha.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.