Horoscope for the week of October 15, 2007

ARIES: The stable serfs are not keeping up with the level of horse manure production in your barn. This is making your war horse, Galahad, cranky and miserable, and rusting out his expensive horse shoes faster. Have the serfs whipped and thrown into the stagnant pond.

TAURUS: This is a good week to consider adding another landless, ambitious war lord to your society when you decide to have another child. If conceived this month, the child will advance the family fortunes, but will acquire a reputation for gluttony.

GEMINI: Have your creditors rounded up and burned alive. This will teach them to stop pestering you with demands for payment. When another paper pusher waves some parchment below your nose, skewer his hand to the table with a dagger.

CANCER: Over feeding the peasants leads to fat, lazy peasants. This is the time of year to fight obesity and increase taxes at the same time: seize the village grain and use it to feed your horses and cattle.

LEO: Your northern neighbour is plotting to raid your best farm land and steal the crops, cattle, and women. Arm your retainers and make muster on Tuesday. You will win a great victory on Thursday.

VIRGO: Your just claim on lands belonging to a distant relative will be upheld in the King's court. Add a bribe to your expenses, and the judgement will be handed down on Thursday, otherwise you have to wait until after the Sunday rituals.

LIBRA: You move a step closer to control of the Mint. Your efficient design of coins is both attractive, and allows you to make 144 coins per pound, rather than the traditional 140.

SCORPIO: As you watch the enemy invasion fleet burn, ponder the salutory effects of charcoal, ash, and calcium on agricultural yields. As much as you enjoy the screams of your enemies as they perish in the flames, do not get too close, as you might singe your hair.

SAGITTARIUS: A forger has intercepted your private correspondence and altered your letter to The Supreme Religious Leader. Instead of happy news on Thursday, you will be excommunicated. An assassin will be thwarted when he steps on the cat's tail.

CAPRICORN: Your period of exile to the middle ages lingers on another week, it seems. Your peasants are lazy and eat too much food. Your neighbours are warlike and watch your lands for signs of weakness. Your castle has a leaky roof, and the toilets stink.

AQUARIUS: The charge of heresy weighs heavily on you, now. The Bishop snubbed you at Thanksgiving, and now the clergy refuse to bury the dead from the plague that grips the western shires. Buck up, Aquarius! A change of ruler will grease the wheels of justice ... in your favor.

PISCES: Having your enemies thrown into a mud pit never was so much fun as when you had so many of them. Your capture of a raiding party leads to a full week of excitement for you and your loyal villagers, as you thin out the raiders with torments and humiliating tasks.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.