Horoscope for the week of September 30, 2007

Wise investors know that the best place to put their money is indexed funds, and to avoid bonds. Stay away from money market funds for a year ... and only consider equities if your investment window is at least five years.

ARIES: A stolen glance across the street will start a fresh romance in your life, Aries. Look for green eyes, wit, and the color blue. Your sex life will be so exciting this week that you will not pay attention to anything else I could say.

TAURUS: You will reap rich rewards when you tackle a backlog of domestic chores. While doing so, mentally rearrange your food storage for optimal efficiency. Even the German General Staff would admire your abilities.

GEMINI: When you get drunk this week, you will suffer the most. Gluttony does not sit well on you, nor visit your stomach and colon with much happiness. Give your liver a break. Your easy victories are pearls before swine.

CANCER: Homeland Defence: get some. Plan and prepare your bunker. Lay in a supply of foodstuffs, trade goods, weapons, and reading material. Observe those around you that are antagonistic to your wise policy and mark them to be tossed off the lifeboat first.

LEO: You will be overwhelmed with compliments this week. Where appropriate, wear imperial purple and gold and diamonds. Visualize wearing a crown, carrying an orb and sceptor. Indeed, you are the ruling sun god this week.

VIRGO: Crop pests advance on your work and sustenance using darkness and fog. Exterminate them with the full arsenal of chemical and biological weapons at your disposal. This includes primates. Shit flinging monkey cousins are as deserving of chemical extinction as cockroaches.

LIBRA: Indecision wears a diamond tiara. Expecting the unexpected, your social graces are on loan from God. Verily, you could level mountains if it would improve the view from your living room. Instead, save your bolts of lightning for the neighbours yapping dog and the tubercular squeegee kid.

SCORPIO: Having your enemies boiled alive in baby oil never felt so good. With the fruits of your hard work over the last year (maybe eighteen months for some projects) coming back in a bumper crop, and adding unto your razor sharp wit and charm, well, its all good. You will win the lottery on Wednesday.

SAGITTARIUS: You will lose that magic amulet that you have been secretly cherishing for the last twenty years. It will be replaced with something better, but less dangerous. A familiar book will drop out a forgotten page of Masonic secrets. Do not let anyone know you have them.

CAPRICORN: The police will wonder about the spent shell casings on the floor of your car. The two bags of lime, the shovels, the quick sprouting grass seed, and the map of camp sites will not help either. Perhaps you should clean your car of evidence, and do it by Tuesday.

AQUARIUS: When you awake from a nap on Thursday something will tell you that you have been transported to a parallel universe. Note carefully where you are, as you must return there to come back to your current reality. Otherwise, seek out a business opportunity.

PISCES: Your new found ability at astral projection proves useful when you spy upon your boss and witness the treachery of others. Now, keep a glass of water and a silver object by your bed, so that you might reach into their black hearts and squeeze their aorta as your way of saying No.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.