Telemarketing is Sexy

Nothing can compare to that happy feeling I have when I put down the phone after buying something, anything, from a telemarketer.

Settled Science suggests that those who purchase regularly from telemarketers have bigger penises. Confidential sources within the Global Warming Science Community are about to release an earth shattering report that shows that the act of giving over your credit card number to a telemarketer makes your penis bigger. Repeat customers not only develop bigger penises, they develop bigger penises faster.

Fight Global Warming. When you buy something, anything, from a telemarketer, you generate ten times the dollar value of your purchase in carbon credits. A renowned Hollywood-based Global Warming Activist told me, on condition of anonymity, that their secret studies show that this is true. When you give your money directly on the phone, there is no need for packaging, a store, or carbon-dioxide spewing trucks to heft the product from the factory to the store. This is like burning down the shopping mall of capitalism, which is good.

Embrace Diversity. My paid informant within the University of Toronto Faculty of Medicine has whispered to me that the powerful hormones released by buying from telemarketers can allow women to vary their breast sizes at will, from a B to a D cup. As a journalist, I can assure you that other scientists within The Pentagon have confirmed this report. In order to protect the sacred institution of A Free Press, I can only tell you that this is true, but not who told me, so it must be true.

Fight Racism. I hate hate. And when you give your money to a telemarketer, you are spitting in the face of racism. When you hear people criticise telemarketers, just replace the word telemarketer with that of some oppressed minority. This reveals that the critics of telemarketing are really racist scum. When someone says I hate telemarketers, they always call when I am eating, what they are really saying is I hate blind people, they should be put into concentration camps and gassed. So when you support the telemarketing industry, you are kicking racists in the groin. And that would make anyone smile.

Promote Literacy. A World renowned Harvard linguist, who requested that his name not be used for fear of CIA reprisals, told me at lunch that talking to people on the phone gives you an enhanced grasp of language and world cultures. You learn new words, can spell better, and your ability to concentrate is enhanced. This is a secret that the combined forces of the Illuminati, the CIA, and George Bush do not want you to know.

Your next call is coming soon. If you want to be born ready, then be ready.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this at Mitchieville and DustMyBroom