The Proper Way To Slaughter A Gazelle

At the Blogfest 07 party last weekend, I received compliments from everyone (except for Basil and Lisa) about the scrumptious gazelle I bbq'd. The gazelle was just one of the many highlights of Blogfest, people are still emailing me, telling me that they can still taste the wholesome goodness that was the gazelle. Yes, the gazelle was that good.

Fenris said something on Blogfest 07 night that I'm sure not one of us will soon forget. He said that he often scratches his private section with salad tongs. While that personal information was a tad bit scary and rather unnerving, his next sentence really hit home to all of us. Fenris said that the only way people should be allowed to eat animals is if they kill the animal themselves. Fortunately for all the Blogfest party-goers, I happened to kill the gazelle myself, it was my gift to the world.

There is a saying that goes, "There is more than one way to skin a cat". Off hand, I can think of over 450 ways, but we're talking gazelle, and from personal experience, there are really only a few decent ways to slay a gazelle.

Although I'm dead against shooting a gazelle (I don't find shooting animals to be very cricket), they are rather fast animals, therefore, I suggest winging your gazelle first. It's best to shoot it in the hind quarters and drag it back to your compound (some might refer to their compound area as their *killing field*)

Gazelles have long, sharp horns, not to mention hard, fast hooves that will knock your head off if you're not careful, so pay attention to what you're doing. I suggest you don't try to strangle your gazelle to death. A gazelle's neck, although skinny, is very wired and tight, making it virtually impossible to ring. You may think you are getting the upper hand on your gazelle when it comes to strangling it, but 10-1 says that after 20 minutes, your gazelle will look at you like you're its bitch. So, forget strangling, that's out.

It's also not a good idea to try to put your gazelle in a vat of scalding water. More than likely the gazelle will jump out, even though you winged it's hind quarter, and chances are it will run at you and shove its horn through your heart. At the very least, the gazelle will cause such a ruckus that it will spill burning water everywhere, burning you, your family, and anything within 20 feet. So, burning it to death is out of the question.

By far, the best way to slaughter a gazelle is to punch the living shit out of it. When I say *Punch*, I mean punch and kick. This may take upwards of 300 punches and 200 kicks, but believe me, it takes care of two important tasks at once: It not only kills the gazelle, but it also tenderizes it, an important part of any successful meal. Gazelles can be cagey, but if you're fit like I am (although you're not so don't even pretend you are) giving any animal, or human, 300 punches and 200 kicks is nothing, it's like a day at the beach.

You haven't lived until you've punched a gazelle to death with your fists. We live in an age of wimps. Men should be hunters, women should be the gatherers, instead, now we are told that men are from Venus and women are from Mars, and get that thing out of here or I'll get a restraining order slapped on your ass, you pervert.

We need to get back to the time when men were men and gazelle feared for their pathetic, puffy-tailed lives. My suggestion? Hop on a plane and get to Africa. They're running out of decent animals to slaughter, and before you know it, you'll decide you want to go to Africa and slaughter a gazelle, but the Africans are now dun out of gazelle, holmes. Tough break, maybe you can watch Sex in the City with your fiance on your Huberfluffen Ottoman while the rest of us real men kill shit and laugh at what an owned wimp you are. Hahaha, wimp.