You Dun Got Fat

So, were the holiday's good to you? That's great. Did you get lots of wonderful gifts and special presents? You did? That's fantastic. And how about the food, was the food amazing? I'm sure it was, aren't the holiday's the best time for great food? Now, do me a favour and look down at your toes. You can't see them, can you? Of course you can't. It's not that your feet have gotten shorter, it's because your stomach has gotten bigger. You dun got fat and you didn't even realize it, you little porker. Shame on you.

I'm going to help you get back into fighting shape. Don't thank me yet, it's not all fun and games, it is going to be a long, hard road, but I know you can do it, you have the will, you have the strength, you have the intestinal fortitude. Yes, I said *intestinal fortitude*.

Getting back into shape isn't as hard as it sounds, there is a simple plan I have devised which will make you look and feel better in no time flat. I call this plan, *Good food in, garbage out*. I'm not a nutritional expert, although I do have many letters behind my name that make me look very important and impressive, but I do know that you have been feeding yourself a steady diet of crapola. You need to change your ways, you need to get the garbage out and replace it with wholesome foods.

Lettuce begin (hehe): Breakfast

The most important meal of the day. Garbage out-replace your breakfast of a box of Turtles, a 1/2lb of salted jumbo cashews, a brick of sponge toffee, and a 2 litre Coke with *Good food in*-Try a granola bar and a glass of orange juice.

Lunch

Garbage out-Don't eat your regular lunch items of a pound of chocolate covered almonds, a bag of peanut brittle, a few candy canes, twelve handfuls of Bits and Bites and a couple brewskis. Replace with *Good food in*-Try a chicken sandwich on whole wheat and a V8.

Dinner

Garbage out-You don't need a dinner that consists of all red meat smothered in gravy, a double scotch and a Gnosh. You need *Good food in*-Have a stir fry, a salad and a glass of milk.

If you follow this plan for two weeks, you will see the fat basically drop off your giant frame. However, eating well is only half the battle, you also need to exercise. I know, I know, exercise sucks hard. I'm not telling you to go jog 15 miles a day, it's the little bits of exercise that burn off the most weight. For instance, instead of inhaling your food, try chewing it. That helps. Instead of driving over to your next door neighbours house to borrow a bucket of lard to cook your horribly calorific meals in, walk over there and try not being such a leech. Little things, it's all about the little things.

I hope this helps, I stayed up all night making this plan specifically for your needs. Don't ever say I didn't do anything for you, you lazy ingrate.