Kiefer Sutherland Rescues Child, Then Kills Him

Fine, he didn't kill the young lad, but he easily could have:

Out hiking with a pal, the star suddenly heard loud cries - and moments later found a frightened youngster standing on the cliff, paralyzed with fear. Turns out the kid and his brothers had climbed the cliff to jump into the creek far below. The older brothers jumped first, then yelled, Come on in, the water's fine! The kid lost his nerve, couldn't jump - and was afraid to climb back down the hill alone. Kiefer piggy-backed the boy down to his brothers, then read them the riot act.

Give me a break, this never happened. If this was a true story, Jack would have thrown that little bastard straight off the cliff. Everyone knows that Jack only respects people with balls, not cowering pussys who are too scared to jump into water. And there is not a chance in hell that Jack *piggybacked* anyone. Jack would never let anyone assume a position of power like that, he would be too worried he might get his throat slit.

If this was a true story, we would never hear about it. However, if it was true, this is what the phone call would sound like to CTU: "Hello, Chloe? It's Jack. I don't have time to talk, but I just killed a Moslem and threw his body off a cliff. Now I'm going down to the jagged rocks to off the other terrorists. Upload some porn to my phone and I'll talk to you later".

Celebitchy provided everything for this post except for the incredibly delicious and racy humour.