Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2006
One nice thing about so many planets in Scorpio is the increased chances of winning at games of chance. I encourage anyone out there to call their stock broker and set up a few aggressive day trades and make some quick cash. This will help pay for the little child that will be coming into the world from all the crazed sex that is going on this week.
ARIES: The serious planet Saturn makes you the token adult in this weeks carnival of fornication and drug soaked excess, Aries. You are the one who gets to change the bong water, and pick up the pizza boxes. Sorry.
TAURUS: Traffic signals are allied with the forces opposed to your steady progress to your warm comfy lodgings and even nicer bucket of comfort food you have waiting. A police officer will offer to be your sex slave on Wednesday.
GEMINI: Your aptitude with the computer is due to the fact that Space Aliens are using Microsoft software to search for desirable personality traits to further their mysterious agenda. If you are familiar with the Star Trek episode Spock's Brain (#) you could be in for some fun when the Aliens kidnap your boss to run a waste water treatment facility on a mining colony beyond Jupiter.
CANCER: Your mind will wander to slow, painful poisons when you are summoned by a senior family member to prepare a meal for Uncle Hitler. An awkward moment or two as you watch what should be coiled bamboo springs or white angel mushrooms, slide down that hated gullet.
LEO: You are in such a serious mood this week. Responsibility sits well on your 'born to command' shoulders. Everybody likes you better, because you are better.
VIRGO: On Tuesday, you will trip on a squishy condom. No has to tell you not to touch the organic goo that seems to be inside it. Yes, they are a trip hazard and signs should be posted, but will anyone care? Better to continue to the store to buy that winning lottery ticket.
LIBRA: You get to channel your inner taskmaster this week, because your new lover is a dedicated sexual submissive and needs to be punished. Make them clean the bathroom and shift furniture.
SCORPIO: Another week of excitement for you. It is all good, unless you leave your underwear in someone's bed, again. I will not go into details, other than sex, drugs, alcohol, and gambling money are involved and in your favor.
SAGITTAURUS: Nothing much exciting this week, except for the operatives of organized crime that are most interested in something buried in your back yard. Just be sure to turn on the porch light before you step out.
CAPRICORN: How the cries of those you have crushed under your boot cry out for vengence. How can you sleep after all that you have done? The avenging fates circle your home and even stolen magical amulets can only hold them back so long, you sinner. Is there anyone but you who has mastered the art of stealing from the dead? Look deep into the mirror, tyrant, and behold the fate that awaits you on December 25 of this year. Abandon your path, cease listening to bones crunch under your iron shod boots, and cast off your stolen armor. Seek the light, before you are damned.
AQUARIUS: Nobody really is paying attention to you this week. Which makes it an excellent time to rob that convenience store that short changed you for asprin some weeks back. Knock over a display on your way out, for giggles.
PISCES: Make cookies or muffins for unexpected guests. A lost kitten will look to you for help in this cold, cold world. Wear something distinctive when you step out.
It is not very often when I make an appeal to the public. But, I want a raise. And, I want to make more posts. I have several e-mails from people who want me to post more. But Fenris is holding me to my personal services contract and is demanding that I pay him to deliver to You, The People of Mitchieville, the quality astrological forecasts of the stockmarket. And Fenris only pays me in Canadian Tire Money ... that smells of sulphur! I do not know where he gets it all. I can only buy so many cans of SAE 10W40. I have been put under surveillance at the Mitchieville Canadian Tire because they think I am running a drug lab and/or grow op. It is Fenris, I tell you. He made me buy ten cartoons of matches for the red phosphorus. And then I had to buy acetone. And don't make me mention his insatiable demands for more and more turpentine and turpentine based paint thinners. I want to be paid in real money. Help me, People of Mitchieville!
I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.
ARIES: The serious planet Saturn makes you the token adult in this weeks carnival of fornication and drug soaked excess, Aries. You are the one who gets to change the bong water, and pick up the pizza boxes. Sorry.
TAURUS: Traffic signals are allied with the forces opposed to your steady progress to your warm comfy lodgings and even nicer bucket of comfort food you have waiting. A police officer will offer to be your sex slave on Wednesday.
GEMINI: Your aptitude with the computer is due to the fact that Space Aliens are using Microsoft software to search for desirable personality traits to further their mysterious agenda. If you are familiar with the Star Trek episode Spock's Brain (#) you could be in for some fun when the Aliens kidnap your boss to run a waste water treatment facility on a mining colony beyond Jupiter.
CANCER: Your mind will wander to slow, painful poisons when you are summoned by a senior family member to prepare a meal for Uncle Hitler. An awkward moment or two as you watch what should be coiled bamboo springs or white angel mushrooms, slide down that hated gullet.
LEO: You are in such a serious mood this week. Responsibility sits well on your 'born to command' shoulders. Everybody likes you better, because you are better.
VIRGO: On Tuesday, you will trip on a squishy condom. No has to tell you not to touch the organic goo that seems to be inside it. Yes, they are a trip hazard and signs should be posted, but will anyone care? Better to continue to the store to buy that winning lottery ticket.
LIBRA: You get to channel your inner taskmaster this week, because your new lover is a dedicated sexual submissive and needs to be punished. Make them clean the bathroom and shift furniture.
SCORPIO: Another week of excitement for you. It is all good, unless you leave your underwear in someone's bed, again. I will not go into details, other than sex, drugs, alcohol, and gambling money are involved and in your favor.
SAGITTAURUS: Nothing much exciting this week, except for the operatives of organized crime that are most interested in something buried in your back yard. Just be sure to turn on the porch light before you step out.
CAPRICORN: How the cries of those you have crushed under your boot cry out for vengence. How can you sleep after all that you have done? The avenging fates circle your home and even stolen magical amulets can only hold them back so long, you sinner. Is there anyone but you who has mastered the art of stealing from the dead? Look deep into the mirror, tyrant, and behold the fate that awaits you on December 25 of this year. Abandon your path, cease listening to bones crunch under your iron shod boots, and cast off your stolen armor. Seek the light, before you are damned.
AQUARIUS: Nobody really is paying attention to you this week. Which makes it an excellent time to rob that convenience store that short changed you for asprin some weeks back. Knock over a display on your way out, for giggles.
PISCES: Make cookies or muffins for unexpected guests. A lost kitten will look to you for help in this cold, cold world. Wear something distinctive when you step out.
It is not very often when I make an appeal to the public. But, I want a raise. And, I want to make more posts. I have several e-mails from people who want me to post more. But Fenris is holding me to my personal services contract and is demanding that I pay him to deliver to You, The People of Mitchieville, the quality astrological forecasts of the stockmarket. And Fenris only pays me in Canadian Tire Money ... that smells of sulphur! I do not know where he gets it all. I can only buy so many cans of SAE 10W40. I have been put under surveillance at the Mitchieville Canadian Tire because they think I am running a drug lab and/or grow op. It is Fenris, I tell you. He made me buy ten cartoons of matches for the red phosphorus. And then I had to buy acetone. And don't make me mention his insatiable demands for more and more turpentine and turpentine based paint thinners. I want to be paid in real money. Help me, People of Mitchieville!
I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.
posted by The Mayor at 8:07 PM
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