Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2006

It is a prosperous time in the heavens with Saturn moving out of aspect to Jupiter. This bodes well for any sort of financial activity. Out in the outer rim, the forces of Xang the Tyrant of Krell are lighting up the sky with some category III plasma events as they grind down the subversives holding out in the methane ice asteroids beyond Pluto.

ARIES Time to take stock of some recent setbacks. While they may sting your ego, they are but the gravel that is under your fast moving wheels. Invest in a toy and reward yourself. Avoid any form of lima beans in combination with liver.

TAURUS Your frustrated ambitions are souring your feeding time. Your hay and oats just are not as good as they should be. This week, formulate a visualization of your next step, regardless of the details of how you will acheive it. A small child is calling out for discipline. Have the wooden spoon ready. Avoid silver nose plugs when you choose to dine out on Tuesday.

GEMINI You will win the lottery this week!

CANCER You have a secret ally who is plotting your advancement. He works in darkness and, actually, you probably do not like him. Regardless, efforts are being made on your behalf. Study up on the martial arts of the middle ages, specifically the morning star and the mace. Wear comfortable shoes, but not on Friday.

LEO You will have sex with a space alien this week. They may look like your usual Tuesday evening lover, but look carefully for the strange little details that betray their extra-terrestrial origin. Mind you, if you confront them, it might get alot worse. Pack a bag with two changes of clothes and some money.

VIRGO Your cousin will parole from prison earlier than expected, and will arrive at your cherished family dinner on Saturday with a cheap whore he picked up at the bus station. Drink him under the table, and show Mom what a good kid you are.

LIBRA Unleash the power of Mars, the destroyer of cities, by sifting out some forgotten pile of laundry. Your skill at hypnotizing children works to your advantage, and is superior to the 'feed them coffee and fudge' school of child care.

SCORPIO After three days of marathon drinking you will feel remarkably refreshed. Feign a hangover to ward off the attention of any sort of organ bounty hunter that may be interested in your invincible liver.

SAGITTAURUS You will make contact with someone who will be very important in your life later this week. So, do maintain a higher standard of personal hygene. Eat an apple.

CAPRICORN An detailed study of Russian Logistics in the 1945 Manchurian campaign will prove enlightening. Make plans to invest in an undersea tunnel machine construction company. Market indicators say hold oil and sell plastics. Make an offer on the 'Borgia' ring on E-Bay.

AQUARIUS How the birds sing and the sun shines as you while away your lunch hour dipped in happiness. Things go your way this week, waterbearer. Wallow in your perfect week, but avoid ultramarine blue underwear.

PISCES Nothing says tyrant better than your local sports reporter. Poison him. Poison him slow, or poison him fast. You will feel better knowing you have made a stealthy blow for liberty. Your stress related illness will vanish after you do this.

Confidential to Anxious in Chicago. The shipment arrives Thursday with the courier. His name is Louis. The password is Kremlin. There should be 144 pounds of product. If Louis says Bulganin, then something is wrong and go to plan B. Make sure you wipe your finger prints off everything.