Invasion from Space!

Earth is in peril, say Scientists.

TORONTO - The planet Earth is about to be consumed in a disaster far worse than Global Warming. Space Aliens are massing invasion fleets just beyond the orbit of Pluto.

We need more money for research, say scientists. Without adequate telescopes or radar arrays, we cannot determine the location or number of these hordes of Space Aliens.

The Oceans of Earth will not have time to boil away before these creatures from another dimension sweep down on our planet. They may strike before the next Seal Hunt, at which time the Seals will become extinct sooner than expected.

We do not know anything about these fierce barbarians from beyond the stars! It is feared that they will abolish Gay Marriage, encourage Tobacco Smoking, delay Native Land Claims, and spurn Vegetarian Alternatives. They may be Heteronormative. Arrrgh.

Activists call for a dollar a bottle tax on beer to fund research, social spending, and better schools for Toronto. Anyone opposed to the Beer Tax is a Racist.

The United Nations, our greatest hope to protect Earth, has authorized a sub-committee of the steering committee to prepare a funding plan to fund a study to explore options for an immediate action plan. No weapons will be used, they promise. We will enter into a dialogue with the descending horde of killer robot warriors and find points of common interest. Cultural exchanges are planned before the ice caps break up. We are sending our best Hip-Hop artisans. Lil’ Kim has expressed interest. And we need money to save the planet. Can I count on your support for one thousand dollars? Will that be Visa, Mastercard, or American Express?

Conquest from Space will delay or postpone the resurrection of Christopher Reeves, the reintroduction of the Dodo into protected habitats, and the development of calorie free chocolate cheesecake. Rush to your cheque book.

Send me your money.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.