Advice from the Stars: Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2006

Our resident financial astrologer, Sargon the Magnificent, at one time obliged us here at Mitchieville to write a weekly advice column. Unfortunately, he has gone to a planet some three million light years from here. He is doing a research thesis in applied agricultural labor mechanics with Loyalist University in the big Canadian city of mighty Guelph, center of the economic empire of the time traveling Nazi scientists who control but do not much care about this planet’s affairs. I think it would be a good idea to not ask questions about Sargon the Magnificent. Sssssh.

Anyway, I Fenris Badwulf now have the secret handwritten bookes (yup, it is spelt that way … go figure, silly Wiccans), of Sargon the Now Unmentionable. I can sort of understand them. Now, I can make money for myself by tricking you into doing silly things! This will be fun for both of us, well at least me. I hope nothing blows up. It was not so bad last time.

A difficult situation to test your worthiness of Proceeding to the Reading of your Destiny for the Week :

You are standing at the water cooler at work. A co-worker approaches. You have known this man for a year.

‘I am going to blow up the parking lot attendant at Yonge and Finch with a hand grenade on Thursday at 12:42? He is a bad man. Would you like to be helping, please?’

What would you do? Hmmmm? When you know the correct answer you may proceed. If you do not know the answer and proceed, you will have to give Fenris Badwulf an additional twenty five dollars. If you do know the answer and do not proceed, similarly, you have pay Fenris only twenty dollars, which is a fantastic discount … a fantastic value for your money. You must Act Now!

Aries From your loins will spring a family of seven mighty heroic men, and thirteen beautiful daughters. Your descendents will live and rule over the future of the mighty city of Shakespeare, Ontario. Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Taurus You might possibly be the hero who halts the rise of a family of tyrants that will oppress the town of Shakespeare for generations to come. After the battle you and your descendents will rule Shakespeare, Ontario as wise philosopher mayors for generations to come. Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Gemini You can stop the introduction of a telemarketing ban. The evil heteronormative telemarketers use African slaves working from call centers in the heart of the Congo, controlled by the cruel East German mastermind Hans from Switzerland. Maybe you should stop them? Maybe not. You better decide first. We know what Hans and his brainwashed minions want. What about you? Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Cancer When a friend confesses to you an extra-species love affair, let those cash register bells peel an anthem to your material prosperity when you blackmail the fool. Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Leo A twist of fate will make you the hero and poster boy for a mysterious, powerful, and wealthy right wing extremist group with deep pockets and a ridiculously funny political agenda. Maybe foreknowledge would help you choose between martyr and sex soaked playboy. Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Virgo Proceed to infiltrate the security around Britney Spears. Your plan is great and will work. Have no fear of a slow horrible death, or even a long prison term. It will all be fine. The security forces around her, the guns, goons, and guard dogs will all fail. You will be lucky! Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Libra Nothing like watching adult men having a bar brawl to get you sexually aroused. How about the dog fights? Maybe matched war poodles? Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Scorpio I cannot write down what I read to be your destiny for this week. Everytime I do, my hand bursts into flame. Well, it gets hot, then its like electrical shocks. But maybe I could apply a little self discipline and tell you what you really should know. Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Sagittarius Your cover is blown. Agents of the secret and evil heteronormative Scottish Secret Police are soon after you. Maybe avoiding capture and torture appeal to you? Hmmmm? Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Capricorn Looks like a war between powerful Aries and powerful Taurus is going to break out and grind on in horrible attritional and logistics heavy warfare in your country. Lots of big tank battles and smoke so thick you cannot see the sun for a few days. Maybe you would like to stay alive for another five years? Maybe become rich and fat, too? Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Aquarius While war is imminent, you are off chasing tail. You will find time for a lot of quality quick sex this week as people rush hither and dither as the great city of Cambridge, the ancient capital of the warlike Saxon emperor Walter the Notekeeper, rallies a defence against the extraterrestrial foe. But you do not care, Aquarius, as you clean pubic hair from your teeth. Sounds good, eh? Maybe you should send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.

Pisces Interrupt the grinding oppression of the endless cycles by helping someone else get a soft job at the CBC writing stupid comedy that appeals to the rural peasants, suburban paper workers, and urban entertainment borg of London. Using his mercenary wit, you may enslave London to act as a engine of oppression and comedic mismanagement to rule the world for generations of your children to come. Sell out now, or thwart evil. Either is fine with me. Send me your money. Send Fenris Badwulf twenty dollars to find out more.


Message to You Know Who: You will find it easier to have an annoying co-worker walled up to waste away than to face the boss asking to have him fired for being a blundering incompetent. You may enjoy his pitiful cries for mercy for many dew sparkled mornings at your combination Haliburton cottage and secret sex-criminal torture den. It is a rental property, too, so it is safe from prying eyes and few sounds will make it the two miles to the nearest place where humans normally go. In the afternoons, travel for lunch to Ottawa to enjoy our diverse multicultural restaurant selection. How about an evening of theatre to stimulate your sophisticated appreciation of the slow, horrible death of the man you hate most. Put Shakespeare into your sadistic sociopath vacation package! This message paid for by the Ottawa Tourist Board, a great place to eat, watch, and play.

Message to the other one: OK, you took him home drunk. But did you have to book him into that transvestite bed and breakfast? You disgust me.

Message to Buttfucked: Well, screwing over that white guy was a dumb ass idea. Now you eat your high fiber dinner if you want to get out of solitary and away from a life of a forced sodomy at the hands of a sadistic Canadian Union of Public Employees employee. Oooh, big boy! Its shower time!

Message to Maximinus: Ready the mighty war factories hidden in the deep mines of Temiskaming to forge new and cruel weapons for your armies, your warships, and your air fleets. The time to strike is this Thursday, around tea time.

Uplifing Propaganda Message to the Enemy: Let us negotiate. I have your horoscope now, or would have if I was not too drunk to remember the details. Help me to help others to crush politcal enemies of people you dislike by resending your birth data. Thanks.