Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2006

It is a great week ahead for most everybody, unless you are targeted by organ hunters searching for superior specimens. If you wake up with a sewn up incision, you may have four fifths of your liver gone missing. Oh well.

ARIES Your sweaty palms will give you away on Thursday unless you take precautions. Put the loot from the Bank Robbery to good use and invest in the stock market. Perhaps you should buy a new pair of sneakers.

TAURUS The reason that your toilet paper is being used up so fast is that there is a space alien dimensional portal located in your shower stall. This also explains the curiously fast consumption of shampoo. You will discover the alien device on Wednesday. Your garden needs attention

GEMINI Your absence has been noted by someone who is unimportant and lacking in influence. Note who this person is for action later, perhaps around the time of the full moon. A dead fish in an aquarium will come back to life Tuesday.

CANCER The dog knows someone, er, something from another dimension, has been into your supply of dried fruit. Aside from that, your torrid love affair proceeds from secret meeting to rendezvous to expensive soundproof luxury hotel suite.

LEO A neighbour has a stork on his front lawn announcing the arrival of a new baby. How sweet. When you count on your fingers, Leo, you come up with the weekend of drunken lust when you dipped into the pool of debauchery only some nine months ago. Your curiosity about this will lead to complications, and if you ignore the promptings of your subconscious, well, it will upset your digestion.

VIRGO A neighbourhood pest will tear up your garbage on garbage day. Arm yourself and don the armor of righteousness and buy a proper garbage can. Your computer will detect a virus on Wednesday. The lottery ticket you buy this week will win you the money to buy the winning lottery ticket for next week. Got it?

LIBRA A long lost lover seeks your companionship, their passion has been stoked by your absence and an unhappy experience in prison. As much as you admire this person, perhaps telling your mother about their, ah, activities over the last few years, will lead to typical Libran embarassment.

SCORPIO Your invincible liver has come to the attention of an unscrupulous organ hunter. Too bad you drank him under the table before he could get you to sign the consent form. Eat less beef and more canned fruit to ward off the Scurvy. Small children find you fascinating, which makes you attractive to single mothers, but less so to wicked heirs to large fortunes. Make a decision.

SAGITTAURUS You are right, again! The neighbours are really from another planet! They told you they were immigrants, but now that you speak their supposed language (thank you community college!) you realize that it is nowhere near what they speak. Let alone the strange computers and the dog that plugs into the wall outlet.

CAPRICORN Your use of an amulet to ward off an Income Tax Audit will occur on Friday. At your exclusive club, you will become Secretary-Treasurer for Fight Club night. None of your incompetent superiors suspect that you are slowly poisoning them.

AQUARIUS You have a secret admirer. They crave your tender caresses, and, interestingly enough, they want you to tie them up and whip them while shouting abuse and humiliting witticisms. This explains the gift of golden paperclips on your desk.

PISCES Certain destruction upon those that thwart your plans this week, Pisces. This is at odds with your perceived definition of justice and concept of moral fiber. Well, put aside the Bran Muffin and reach for the Bacon and Eggs, Pisces, because one of your enemies is under the Hammer and Anvil of the Almighty.

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I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this!