6 Tips For an Impending Doomsday

Ask Men has a column out today called 6 Ways To Tell Your Girl To Lose Some Weight, or as I like to call it, "6 Ways to Guarantee That You Will Never Have Sex Again".

As I often say, I know less about women now than when I was 17, however, I do know one thing: There is not a proper way in the world to tell your girl she's packing on the pounds.

Let's have a look at what the geniuses at Ask Men have to say:

1- "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you anymore."

Tell her you aren't sure why it looks odd, suggest a looser knit, and watch her forever skip the nachos with cheese.

I suggest when approaching your girl with this pearl, already have your severed penis in your hand, it will make it much easier for re-attachment when you visit the emergency clinic.

2- "I can't get over how fat I feel."

If you launch a pity-party of your own about how heavy you feel, and let her know at every turn, she'll become fat-obsessed by osmosis.

And you'll get the privilege of going on long walks with your girl for the next two years.

You'll also get the privilege of never tasting a beer again, bacon chips, fast foods, or ever getting to sit down and relaxing on your couch without hearing the words, "No wonder YOU'RE so fat, all you do is sit around and eat crap".

3- "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."

Pick her homeliest friend and let your most outrageous BS fly.

"You bastard, I always knew you had an eye for Sheila, why don't you just fuck her and get it over with?" Not smart, please, for the love of everything pure, do not use that line.

4- "I have a new female trainer at the gym."

She'll never suggest fewer trips to the gym, but it will drive her bonkers to think that another woman is spotting your squat thrusts. She'll sign up and show up within 24 hours just to keep an eye on you.

Good job, Einstein. Now the only place in the world where you can take refuge from your fat girlfriend is gone. You may as well set up a video surveillance of yourself 24/7. Better yet, hire a detective to follow you around and report on your every move.

5- "The saleswoman said it was for smaller women."

If you want your baby to shed some baby fat, spend a couple of bucks on a nice little fashion piece a couple of sizes out of her reach.

The first rule in dating is to NEVER buy your girlie clothing, every jackass with a pulse will tell you that.

The only time it's wise to buy your girl clothing is when you have finally come to the conclusion that you have no use for your penis anymore and would rather enjoy a life of celibacy and loneliness.

6- "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds?"

But an honest commitment to work together to become fitter and shed some unwanted girth can only be met with the excitement that your investment in her is the same as what she is willing to invest in you.

While you're doing that, you might also want to mention that she's a shitty cook, a bad mother, and a horrible driver. This way you can spend every waking second with your blob of a wife, doing shitty tasks that will eat up all your spare time.

These 6 tips are perhaps the worst 6 tips I have ever read in my life. Under no circumstances are you to ever use these 6 sure-fire nuggets of death. If your girlie is fat, live with it, and for the love of God, don't open your stupid mouth about it. Trust me, you know she's fat, she knows she's fat, the whole world knows she's fat. She doesn't need the only person in the world that she actually cares about, other than the makers of Snicker's bars, to tell her that she's a train wreck. Leave that to the cruel kids on the playground that will un-mercilessly tease her for the rest of her overweight life.