Horoscope for the week of November 21, 2005

An Alien Harvester Ship has pulled into earth orbit. It is a good idea to stay out of portable toilets for the next week, especially if they smell of ammonia compounds. Ammonia is a common byproduct of the matter-transportation beam that the Aliens use.

ARIES You must be sure that you do not eat liver and/or lima beans at all this week. Make sure! Throw out the liver, and the beans! You will have sex with a shapely european stranger on Thursday.

TAURUS Someone is stealing your food. Too bad they took the rancid leftovers you had forgotten in the back of the bottom shelf. You should visit their bedside on Wednesday, before the kidney transplant.

GEMINI One of your co-workers is really a spy from a competing company. They will elude your vigilance and make off with the customer database. Prepare to lay the blame elsewhere.

CANCER Check the stove before you turn it on. Whatever has been left in there is for you to discover. Wear gloves. Support your favourite charity by giving them your address book for sales leads.

LEO When you wake up in a room too cold for sex you will then decide to go back to work. You will rescue a lost cat.

VIRGO The Aztec temple being built at the new Brampton Hospital on Boivard will hold a strange fascination for you. Only go there at night ... you do not want to see what happens under the cold light of the daylight sun.

LIBRA Resupply your toilet paper stash. You will need it after your eat seafood while seducing a young pretty.

SCORPIO You will have a dream about making a last stand on a frosty hilltop. The cult you joined in your early twenties will come looking for your help.

SAGITTAURUS Something really stupid will happen at work ... but nobody cares. You will get to complain about new things at the lunch table.

CAPRICORN Your investment in psycho-active drugs pays off big time when you slip a dose of 'StarShells' to an irritating neighbourhood rascal. Watch the fun!

AQUARIUS Your legendary sexual prowess comes into question after a dismal weekend of rushed sex caused by the early return of your lover's spouse. You are exposed as an adulterer and branded with the red letter unless you take precautions.

PISCES You will win the lottery this week. Reverse the magnetic field under an enemies feet to make them spontaneously combust. Your vehicle is a rolling death trap, but you will find more money in the week.