This judge can "pump you up"

This story is so incredibly bizarre, that after reading it, the word bizarre phoned me up and told me that it doesn't feel so bizarre anymore.

A US judge will go on trial today charged with three counts of indecent exposure after allegedly masturbating using a “penis pump” while presiding over a murder case.

Witnesses claim they could hear the noise of the device coming from beneath the robes of Donald Thompson as he sat on the bench.

The 58-year-old former district judge had served at Creek County Court, Oklahoma, where he was charged, for 22 years.

Being a part-time judge myself, I can honestly say that this is slightly odd behaviour. Everyone judge in the world knows that you never bring a penis pump into a courtroom to fulfill your deviant sexual behaviour, you always sneak a midget in. Midgets fit perfectly under the bench, and they hardly ever make a sound, except for that annoying gag reflex thing they do.

Jurors claim they heard what sounded like a bicycle pump or blood-pressure pump.

One “heard ’a swooshing kind of air, like kind of ch, ch’ and saw Thompson making some movement with his upper body and arms“, according to documents filed by the state attorney general.

Ah yes, the judge was obviously using the Jackoffater 3000. What the judge should have been using was the Strokemebadboy 4000 with the silencer attachment.

Thompson claims the pump was just a joke gift from a friend.

I'm glad his friend didn't get him a blow-up doll as a joke gift. Getting caught humping a mass of plastic in a courtroom would have been really embarrassing.

The article in all its glory can be found here.