Mary Anne Wonderful writes to The Mayor

I told you the other day that I got an email from Mary Anne Wonderful, and it was kind of disturbing. For those of you not-in-the-know, Mary Anne Wonderful(let's just call her MAW for now) is different. She seems to really hate me, or she might be masking her love for me by projecting hatred towards me, kind of like how a 9 year old boy shows his admiration for a girl by smacking her. I'm not sure, I'll let me intelligent, easy-going, insightful readership decide that one.

Dear Mayor,

I have been reading your blog for about two months now, and most of the time I really enjoy it. You do make me laugh, and I have to say that many serious articles that you write about really do make me think. I do have some problems with you though.

I'll start off by saying that from what I see, you don't seem to make fun of Special needs persons, the Mentally challenged, Person's who are handicapped, or visible minorities. To me, that's very positive and it shows that there is hope for you.

However, you do seem to be a sexist, and that worries me.

The funny part about that line, was when I was reading it, I had another window open of Monica Belluci naked. Truth.

Your top 10 list was the last straw as far as I'm concerned. I find that any list or picture that rates women in regard to how sexy they are is completely degrading. Women are not put on this earth to be rated or judged simply because of the shape of their body. You don't seem to have any inner peace when it comes to women, you think of them as merely for your pleasure and nothing else.

Women have come a long way over the last 40 years, and for you to list them as far as how sexy you think they are, makes me think that you have no respect for the accomplishments that we have made.

Is anyone else bawling like a baby right now? I feel the need to repent. Mary Anne, that is simply not true. Sure, I love to look at beautiful women, who the hell doesn't? Even my female, non-lesbian readership, like to look at beautiful women. It's something that I call "natural".

You see, because you may not agree with me having a top 10 list and rating women for their beauty, doesn't make what I'm doing wrong, it makes you judgmental. If women have made great inroads in our society, like you have claimed, then you should be rejoicing at the fact that women are confident enough to show their bodies to horny guys like me, and get a paycheque out of the deal. The get paid for having pictures taken of them, and I get great pleasure, often 3 times a day, looking at them.

We'll move on to the next part.

Another thing I notice is that you seem to be a very angry man. I can feel it through the words that you type sometimes. You tend to insult people too much, and you seem to be hostile even over the smallest events. This aggressive behaviour of yours makes me think that you need to seek counseling.

You may be surprised to find this out, Mary Anne, but this is a blog that I started so I can have a little fun and take the piss out of people. I enjoy being sarcastic, it's one of my great indulgences. If you're specifically talking about the way I run rampant over celebrities, my friend, Scott, said it best when he stated to you in my comment section, "these aren't humans, they're celebrities".

If you're in the news, you're fair game. If you don't want me to make fun of you, don't be stupid. If you don't like the limelight, don't draw attention to yourself. If you think I'm not going to rag all over you because of your drug addiction, don't do drugs. It's simple.

And at the end of the email, Mary Anne had this to say, to you, my thoughtful, caring, and gracious readership:

I have been leaving comments to some of the posts you have written, and I find that even your readers are angry towards me. I am not looking for fights when I leave a comment, I just say what I think is appropriate. One of your readers even went as far as leaving a comment with my name on it, and that is completely unacceptable. I will no longer leave comments if this is the way you respect your readers. Your anger has rubbed off on them, and for that you should feel ashamed and responsible.

AWWWWWWWWWWW, you poor thing. You know, I actually feel sorry for you.

However, the residents of Mitchieville are anything but angry. They freakin' slay me with their wit. Sometimes I read their comments and I vomit with happiness and mirth. You just need to lighten up a bit, honey.

I'm sure you're a good person, Mary Anne, and I do enjoy your comments. I have yet to agree with even a solitary one, but I still enjoy them. I don't want you to stop coming to Mitchieville, we need people like you; kind of spacey, out in left field, bizarre, most of the time mindlessly liberal, it's all good.

To my readership: if you have made a comment and used Mary Anne's name, please don't do it. At least call yourself "Harry Anne Wonderful", or some other pseudonym.

Finally, there's this:

I know you can do better if you really look deep down inside your soul. I know you can be a better person if you just open up your heart and embrace your fellow human beings. We can all learn a lot from people, and I know you can make your points by being kinder and gentler. Try giving that a try, you'll find that the world will love you right back.

That's too cute. It's mindless, but very cute. Mary Anne, I'll make you a deal. I'll be kinder and gentler to my fellow human beings if you promise to send me some nudie pics of yourself. Top and bottom, full frontal, baby. If you do that I promise I will never publish them, I'll keep them all to myself. I'm sure that will make me a happier person(depending of course if you're SEXY). Deal?