Horoscope for July 18 through July 25, 2005

Astrologers Note: People ask me about the American Supreme Court. Well, let me tell you that George Bush has most of them in secret fortresses hidden in the mountains or swamps. The brainwashing is soon to be complete. Expect a big announcement from the Supreme Court on September 4, 2005.

Aries The Fierce God of War, who rules Aries by the way, looks in upon you, his child, this week. Make sure your spear is sharp and your helmet polished. The Fierce God of War likes that sort of stuff. Otherwise, a lot of ho-hum routine at work. Eat lightly this week, you may have to run around a lot.

Taurus Stop feeling sorry for yourself and gloat over your domination of the lesser mortals that scamper in your long, long shadow. They need direction, and it is time for you to direct. This is your destiny. Eat fresh baby carrots. Stop sucking the Jell-O through your teeth

Gemini This week, enjoy the minor sufferings of those primates that make major obstacles in your life. Your soul mate is searching for you. Avoid eating cheese on Thursday. Small creatures are gathering in your attic. An old version of a document proves to be superior. The color red is a warning.

Cancer Grim Saturn finishes his long transit of your sign this week. All you have build over the last seven years is put to the test, and you will be richly rewarded if you are just and good. If not, put a lead object (amulets work best) under where your head lies when you sleep. All your bad luck will manifest as nightmares.

Leo A stray cat will adopt you, but its owner will appear and give you a large reward. Mercury plays his tricks in your sign, Leo. Count your change in the supermarket and have fun passing counterfeit cash yourself. Look up that magician course you want to take.

Virgo Mercury transiting your house of secret enemies will prove disturbing until you make a pyramid of cardboard, paint it yellow, and place it under your bed. Then, you will be able to learn the secrets of your enemies and learn the identities of your secret enemies. Yes. Gloat in your new wisdom!

Libra Saturn moves into a pleasant aspect to you Libra. Your garden is flourishing and will draw compliments. Your house pets will strike photogenic poses on the furniture when guests arrive. The bathroom smells nice. Your boss is busy elsewhere. Your staff live in terror of your displeasure. Its all good.

Scorpio This is another week of endless parties, drunken orgies, drugged hazes, and finding other peoples underwear in your bed. Drink apple juice for your liver, it needs a break too. The stars smile upon you, Scorpio, especially Venus. Take precautions against pregnancy as Venus favors children out of wedlock.

Sagittarius When you are bored at work, everything will make sense. You will achieve nirvana and begin to emit a radiant light. This will happen three times over the week. Keep the question you want answered written on your heart. Wear clean underwear. Smile at misbehaving children

Capricorn An annoying person will work closer to you than you like. Hold your nose closed and figure out a way to make this primate useful to your ends. You are basking in the admiration of your superiors … milk it for all its worth. The annoying person is just a reminder from the gods that you are, still, mortal.

Aquarius When reasoned debate does not win the issue, try brute force and intimidation. You will win at the game of chicken, because the heavens smile upon your this week, Aquarius. Eat some pizza, but not the anchovies.

Pisces You will accidentally set someone on fire this week. Depending on the time of day when you were born, there will be either many, few, or no casualties. Of course, your first aid skills will be richly appreciated. Eat an apple or a pear. The memory of a pet from your childhood will return


I, Sargon the Magnificent, dictated this to my scribe, Ulcron