Peanut Butter, It's Not Only For The Rich

Today in the fourth of my five part series on how to eat nutritious, quickly prepared foods made on a dime, I would like to introduce you to the world of the peanut butter sandwich. You have probably only seen pictures of them or read about them in some high society magazine, but did you know that they are actually easy to make? Seriously, would I kid a kidder? Peanut butter and later the bastard son, peanut butter sandwiches, were brought to North America by the Egyptians in the early 4th century A.D. The Egyptians use to actually smear the peanut butter on human skin and snort them throw hospital straws. Many centuries later peanut butter started being applied on glass, then tree bark, and only lately have people started using bread to lay the peanut butter upon.

To make a proper peanut butter sandwich you will need three things; you will need peanut butter of course, bread, and some sort of instrument to extract the peanut butter from it's container, I suggest a knife. First, carefully extract the peanut butter from it's lodging by means of the knife and carefully spread it on the bread. 3.4 ounces of peanut butter seems sufficient for one slice of sandwich bread. Take special care to evenly distribute the peanut butter on the bread, as too much PB in the middle of the bread tends to make it "bottom heavy". Do not cut off the crusts of the bread, it is always important to keep in mind that the bread is actually 50% of the sandwich, and should not under any circumstances be taken lightly.

Some South American tribes like to "toast" their PB sandwiched in a toaster over, this is not for you. That's why we are so much more advanced than those spear tossing rats, we have class and dignity and we don't resort to destroying our food by cooking with electrical gadgets. PB is best served cold, just like a hooker from Tennessee. PB is tradition, and with any luck you can master the great art of the PB sandwich.

I don't recommend any side dish with PB, this is a food that is best left alone and away from the indignities of other lesser foods. You will find that after you eat a PB sandwich that your breath might smell similar to a horses ass. Just pop a freakin' tic tac in your mouth and get on with it, Jesus, I can't do everything for you.

Tune in tomorrow when we go old school and learn how to order a pizza. Here's a clue, get a phone, and a job to pay for it.