Back From the Dead

Fuck me gently with a sledgehammer, I feel like shit today. I got just a tad bit wasted last night at my friends Birthday get together. We started the night off drinking Irish car bombs. They live up to their name, they are liquid death. You get a shooter glass, fill half with Irish whiskey, the other half with Baily's Irish cream. Then you pour half a Guinness is a pint glass, and on the count of three you drop the shotglass into the beer and suck that motherfucker back. They are so delicious, they taste like chocolate milk, the only difference is chocolate milk doesn't make me scream "lick my balls". That was the saying we used last night at the bar, "lick my balls". What a great night.

I got so loaded that when we were coming home I layed down on my girlfriend in the back seat of the car. I kept hearing her say to my other friends that I'm so drunk I'll be useless to her. We got to my palacial estate, and I poured myself into bed. I was ready to puke, when all of a sudden, I felt like having some vicious sex. So help me God, if she can walk today I'm a monkeys fucking uncle. It wasn't so much as if I was banging her, it was more like I was stabbing her with my dick. I was packing her with more meat than a Deli. Right at the end when we were going at it, I don't know what the fuck happened, but we fell off the bed. I broke my nightstand and a bunch of shit on the table. We got back up just in time for me to make a 20cc deposit of some of the finest Canadian man yogurt that's out there.

Anyway, we just got back from having bacon and eggs, and I feel a lot better. I've released my poison, I have a full tummy, I feel like a hundred bucks. Now if only the midgets would stop Irish dancing in my skull, I'd feel perfect.