Astrology and Traffic Tie-ups

Aries: Aries really does not get caught in traffic jams. They are blissfully unaware of the torment that these sluggish events have on other people. No, Aries is the one that gets through just before the constabulary put up the Highway Closed signs. They are the leaders of the zodiac, and being left behind in a smelly, idling horde of non-moving vehicles just is not in the stars.

Taurus: This sign, with its stong attachment to sex, food, and sex involving food, is rarely irked by the non-moving highway. If there is someone in the car with Taurus, they usually have sex to pass the time. Otherwise, there is food, somewhere. A package of sweets under the seat, some crisp vegetables in a cooler in the back seat, or a pop-top can of delicious beverage is close at hand. The Bull brings his pasture with him.

Gemini: Pray to whatever strange pagan god that you worship that you are no where near a Gemini in a traffic jam, for surely, you will die. Having two (or some multiple of two) personalities, the Twins will shift from sensible cautious driver to crazed ethnic psychopath with the merest sign of a slowdown. If you have ever seen people drive backwards down the gravel shoulder, at speed, then you know what I am talking about.

Cancer: Traffic jams bring out the fascist in this sign. Some little voice whispers to them that 'There were no traffic jams in Nazi Germany'. Watch them sit and grit their teeth, then they begin to hum the Horst Wessel song. Surely all those tax dollars could alleviate their present distress? And if not, then surely, someone will be skinned alive and made into perfumed gift soaps. If you value your democratic institutions, arrange for Cancerians to not be caught in heavy traffic.

Leo: Traffic jams mean yet another opportunity to be The Hero. Usually, the Leo is at the crisis point of the slow down. That is, within a reasonable walking distance to whatever baby or wheelchair person needs rescuing from some burning, sinking, or sinking into a swamp covered with burning oil. Not a hair will be disturbed, their clothes are soot free, and the film crew in the circling heliocopter catches it all. The chief of police will give them a medal at a ceremony.

Virgo: Anxiety and indecision, self-doubt and hyper-vigilance grips the mind and stomach of the Virgo in a jam. Did they plan their route accurately? What detail have they ignored? Will the thickening automobile fumes give them asbestosis? Watch their hands turn white on the steering wheel. Watch them gape and curse at whatever evasion tactics the nearest Gemini is using.

Libra: Always moving towards equilibrium, but never staying there for long, the sign of balance finds traffic tie-ups oddly soothing. Sub-consciously, Libra knows that a traffic jam in the here and now means less problems in whatever area of their life that is in present crisis. To be polite, they will mimic the mood of whoever is in the car, but that is Libra, is it not?

Scorpio: If you are with a Scorpio who is seemingly calm and cool in a traffic jam, it is because there is a body in the trunk of the car. If you hear pounding and muffled cries from the trunk, pretend you do not hear, or you may find yourself helping to dig the hole. Otherwise, you will find them glancing nervously in their rear view mirror, looking for Godzilla, because that is where space aliens attack from. The older Scorpio learns from their mistakes and is quite agile at prejudging traffic mess and avoiding it in future. Let a Scorpio drive if you really want to get somewhere. The driver to have when fleeing a bank robbery is a Scorpio.

Sagittarius: Most of the people caught in traffic snarls are this sign. Some say that this sign seeks out slow moving traffic, as an excuse to talk at great length to whoever is the victim trapped in their car. Slow traffic gives this sign the chance to philosophize about whatever, hockey, smelting, or epistemology. Watch them smile to themselves as they refute objections and expound implications of Stalin's monetary policy on rural electrification in Omsk. If there are two of them in the car, you just might do a Gemini and climb out the window to pull off a carjacking.

Capricorn: Never one to shirk an opportunity for a quick buck, the Goat usually has some trade goods in the trunk: bottled water for five bucks a pop, fuel at twenty bucks a gallon, smokes for a ten spot, whatever. A survivalist at heart, Capricorn usually has a set of combat fatigues and a skinning knife hidden somewhere in their car. Be thankful that you are not on a lifeboat with them.

Aquarius: Somehow, traffic jams make this sign depressed and introspective. Is civilization collapsing, collapsing right now? How Man has failed. Sigh. Unlike the fascist Cancerian, the Aquarian seeks relief in utopian day dreaming. Maybe if everybody was telepathic, then there would be no problems. Or, they start thinking about hover cars, or Star Trek transporters.

Pisces: This sign does not really notice traffic slow downs as they live inside a metaphorical fish tank. Big fish eat little fish, and the burning wreckage of whatever unfortunate who has added a new carbon smear to the bridge abuttment, is but the grim world that the Fish live in. And, of course, it never occurs to this sign that they are the highest per capita consumers of organ transplants from accident victims. Todays grim motorcycle mangling is tomorrows new liver for some Pisces.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

see also
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