Squirrel Fight--Round One

I'm blogging live from the Mitchieville Civic Auditorium in beautiful downtown Mitchieville, where Double M and Bug Eyed Jack are just moments away from the first in our series of squirrel fights. Nancy, who manages Double M, is here with her fighter giving some last minute instructions, while the River Rat, who manages Bug Eyed Jack is nowhere to be found. That is not a good sign for the scrappy Bug Eyed Jack.

I spoke with Nancy a few hours ago and she was on pins and needles. However, after I got her a better chair, the whole pins and needles thing seemed to go away. Good for Nancy. The fighters are ready to go, the bag is ready to go, a sold out auditorium is ready to go, so what the hell, let's go.

I take you now to our ring announcer, Michelle Buffet. "Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages--let's get ready to watch some blood shed!!"

Wow, what an introduction.

The two combatants have been dropped into the pillowcase and the bell has just rung. Since squirrels have no idea that a bell signifies the start of a fight, Fenris instead just shook the bag violently until the squirrels got the message. Stupid squirrels.

Both squirrels are circling around the bag, chattering to each other. I believe this is what's known as *trash talk*. Double M leads with a few weak lefts that graze the chin, or what I believe is a chin, of Bug Eyed Jack. Double M flicks out a few more lefts and--oh my--kicks Bug Eyed right in the eye. Bug Eye doesn't seem hurt in the least, perhaps it's because of his Bug Eye. I'm not sure what part of Bug Eye Double M doesn't understand?

Bug Eye tries a roundhouse kick but misses, she leaves herself open and Double M jumps on the opportunity and gives Bug Eye a series of rights followed by a sweeping kick. Bug Eye is down! Double M is showing no mercy, he quickly hops on top of Double M and is giving her a terrible beating. Oh the humanity! Wait a second, Double M isn't smacking out Bug Eye, if I'm not mistaken, he's making love to her. Oh the humanity!

This is not going well, no, not going well at all. The Mitchieville Civic Auditorium is quickly starting to smell like dirty sex. This is sickening, yet rather mesmerizing. Fenris, shake the bag!!!

That seemed to work, the fighters, although nearly exhausted, are back to their feet and fighting. Bug eye seems out of it, and Double M is once again taking advantage of the situation, but this time by not putting its penis in Bug Eyes funny parts.

Double M is pounding Bug Eye, the ref is going to have to step in and stop this. Oh the humanity! Oh the Sean Hannity!

And yes, this fight is over. Double M is the victor, Bug Eyed never stood a chance. Completely outmatched and outwitted, the manager-less Bug Eyed has proven to be nothing more than a sex pinata for the horny double M. I can't wait to publish this on YouTube.

There you have it folks, an overwhelming victory by the odds on favourite, Double M. Nancy will be very proud, although slightly disgusted, at how her fighter did tonight. I hope she can take a few minutes and tell us how she feels. What's that? Sorry folks, she has declined an interview.

That's it for the first round of Squirrel Fights, I hope you have enjoyed it. This is violence at its best, I'm glad you could be a party to it.

Tune in next Monday night to see who the next two combatants will be. I'm The Mayor of Mitchieville, wishing you and yours, and theirs, a great evening.