Horoscope for the week of April 13, 2008

This week of the sun being in Aries always brings to mind the architects of vast underground factories. These large projects are always manifestations of a culture that came before the Greek invasion of the Aegean in 900 BC; that is, the matriarchal Minoan civilization. The Minoan Queen-Priestesses ruled over a vast maritime empire, followers of a pleasure-loving cult of a Pomegranate themed Moon goddess called Isis. Isis had a sidekick hero, recently promoted into semi-god status … this was The War God that is featured this week as written into your personal astrology scrolls of destiny.

Aries: Expect to see something rather unpleasantly dead this week. Just a little reminder of the serious powers that you wield. Fresh bread and tempting pastries are out there to amuse you. You will step on something that goes crunch.

Taurus: Visualize the latent power present in the potato at this time of year. Hold the spirit form of a potato close to your forehead chakra while meditating. You will experience the blessing of the blue ray of the moon.

Gemini: Getting away with murder week starts this week on the personal television channel that is the life of a Gemini. When you run over someone in the parking lot … does anyone notice? If you step in dog shit on Tuesday, it is a sign that you are not listening to good advice.

Cancer: One species of greasy peasants has been replaced by two sub-species of dullard lings and knuckle-walkers. A week of torments and minor vexations. You will achieve a financial goal on Wednesday. If anything that breathes crosses you, throw your slipper at them.

Leo: Nibble the fragrant first flowers of the field, O King of the Zodiac. Experiment with new drugs, or old drugs in different ways, or experience gluttony with greasy fingers. Drink wine from the bottle and throw crusts at the cat. Let the dog lick the dishes clean. Tell the spouse to shut up and fetch you a fresh beverage.

Virgo: Something will ache this week. Be careful around industrial rock crushers. Mighty Powers assist you. Vexatious scandals and public corruption can bring you unexpected profits. Someone you dislike will suffer an eye injury.

Libra: A scandal lurks behind the scenes of a recent power play in your life. The scandal involves a woman, perhaps her lover. Soon it will erupt into your department and cast sparks over your morning coffee for the next nine months.

Scorpio: Good fortune but with an unpleasant foreshadowing occurs this week … most likely on Thursday. Mastermind a plot to swipe electricity from your neighbour. High prioritize gardening. Your judgement is admired.

Sagittarius: Consign your enemies to the mud pits, great one! This week, your sign takes victory in conquest! Three times you will have victory this week: at work, on the golf course, and in a kitchen. Hit something with a hammer, make it a ball peen hammer for extra good luck.

Capricorn: Use your weapons of mind control to bend the weak minded to your will. Make them clean your home, your fridge, and your car. Make them give you money and make them make your food and bring you beer. When you can do this, it will be Thursday! You will develop a lot of confidence.

Aquarius: You will be contacted by a time travelling secret agent, who seems to be modelled on Timothy Dalton’s James Bond. Adventures include: high tech space gadgets, hot sex, spending money, and combat with a Belgian knife master.

Pisces: Noisy planets in your forgotten second house twist your thinking to peasant class horticultural survivalism typical of the 12th century Bohemia. Obviously, your inner Transylvanian German Warlord has Piscean qualities, too. Search out areas of commonality, and search for meaningful dialogue.



I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Astrology links:

Elsa Elsa’s astrology blog, which I strongly recommend!