How To Cure A Hangover

So, you thought it would be a good idea to mix beer, whiskey, vodka, rum and Valium last night. I'm sure you had a great night and all, but I'm positive that I'm correct in assuming that today you feel a little less than solid. As a matter of fact, I bet that even reading the words "liver and onions" probably made you throw up a wee bit into your smelly mouth. You sir/madam are the victim of a terrible hangover.

Consider yourself lucky, the doctor is in the house and says he has a cure for that rotten hangover you're sporting:

Cut a 2-inch piece from fresh ginger root, and thinly slice this piece. Bring three cups of water to boiling in a pot. Add the sliced ginger and reduce heat to a simmer. Brew for about five minutes.

Unfortunately your hands are shaking like you've just seen Satan, so cutting that ginger root may be a problem. It's probably best that you drink some water, go back to bed and wake up next week some time.

Well, that was pretty decent advice for curing a headache, but what about the stomach pains you're feeling?

Boil 2 tbsp each of chrysanthemum flowers and mint leaves in 4 cups of water for 15 minutes. Drink this tea throughout the day until your headache subsides.

I'm sure you will have no problem finding an open grocery store today that sells chrysanthemum flowers. Lucky you, you're almost healed.

Let's put aside the doctors advice for a second and look at things as they really are: You have poisoned yourself and are close to death. There is little time left on this earth for you, you are really fucked up. Is there a cure for the punishment you have given your poor body? Yes, there sure is...

The first thing you must do to get rid of the head pain you are experiencing is to move the pain away from your skull and transfer it to another part of your body. For this you will need a sharp knife, I suggest a Ginsu.

Put your left hand on a cutting board (a clean cutting board) and separate your fingers as far as they will go. Now, take the knife and chop off your small finger.

There you go. I bet you can't even feel that headache now. That's right, you're cured.

It has been my pleasure playing doctor with you. Feel free to email me with any medical problems or questions you may have. Fair warning though, generally my answer always involve a Ginsu knife and your small finger.

Is there a doctor in the house?