The World's Five Greatest Statists

Owing to the overwhelming response to our summer project * , a preliminary list of entries is listed here:

1) Licinius, Emperor of Rome
2) Diocletian, Emperor of Rome
3) Domitian, Emperor of Rome
4) Franklin Rooseveldt, President of America
5) George Bush, President of America
6) Clara Fraser, feminist activist

In order to respect the ennoblement of incompetence and inefficiency by our multi-cultural elite (state dullardism), entries for The Worlds Five Greatest Statists have been extended. Those entries will be categorized as Class B, unless they are duplicates of our already existing entries (categorized as Class A), in which case, these Class B entries will be categorized as Class A2. Secret entries, to be revealed after the judges luncheon and seminar, are categorized as Class S. Other forms of secret entries have been designated by a Class structure that will not be made public. All rules relating to these Class X (but not really Class X) entries is entirely secret. Anyone knowing these secrets without authorization from the secret department that authorizes the authorization may be subject to some secret form of trial and penalty, on the other hand, those sufficiently clever to penetrate the bodyguard of lies that protects the secrets of the secretive secret society that really runs Mitchieville may just find themselves with a high paying job, a big house, a car, and a well stocked liquor cabinet.

Disqualification of judges, based on conjectured bias perceived by contestants, will only be considered if and when the contestants submit a declaration of conjectured bias, which can be obtained from the forms department of the Mitchieville Public Library. We welcome your complaints. Those judges disqualified will not be notified if the complainant can provide the neccessary funds to initiate a fair and objective secret trial; in the event that the contestant does not have sufficient funds, application for funds can be made through the office of the Taxspender's Expediter, which welcomes applications 24/7 and can be reached through any public pay phone, free of charge. In no case will the contestant be informed if his disqualification of a judge has been accepted, its position in the process queue, or of any facts that may help his case for disqualification. In the unlikely event that a judge facing disqualification becomes aware of the bias against him/her, they shall be given a luncheon voucher and two drinks tickets to the staff bar and grill.

Judges retain the right to disqualify submissions based on secret criteria known, initially, only to themselves. They may be challenged by other judges to provide reasonable reasons, however, secret deals between judges (known only to themselves and the ArchJudge, who records and tithes such things) are freely allowable, provided that they are kept secret from anyone who might make trouble.

Given the hefty prizes offered for the winners, several potential entrants have played the race card, claiming racial preferences, quotas, and cultural differences (Jamaican Calendar) for relaxations to the rules. In the event that a contestant is claiming race card privilege, quota power, or a cultural difference, a three part form entitled 'Claiming race card privilege, quota power, or a cultural difference' must be submitted at least 72 hours before the submission of the submission. Exceptions to the exceptions must by made by traditional forms of human communication using VISA, MasterCard, American Express, or Canadian Tire Optimum card.

Laundry expenses shall be paid at 250 percent of face value, as per the semi-secret employee agreement. Decisions of the judges shall not be valid unless all are present in the same room at the same time, with one witness per judge, unless this is impractical, in which case, they are valid. No more than two beverages per hour may be consumed by a judge, unless some other judge consumes more than two, in which case, a draw shall be held to see who fetches the next round from the fridge. Sandwiches shall be served without crusts, securely skewered with toothpicks made from rainforest timber. During any meeting of the judges, complementary shoe shines and ironing shall be done by servile members of the office staff.

I, Fenris Badwulf, forced others to write this while preparing to go out drinking at a night at the opera, while my staff suffered.