Fenris Badwulf, caring person, part 3

One of the many ways I have to help people, people like You, The People of Mitchieville, is to support local business initiatives by owning them and sharing in their profits. Many are susprised to learn that I, Fenris Badwulf, have a majority interest in Pirate Motors (our motto: We will fix you ... we'll fix you good!), a car dealership in scenic Erin Township. Here is a transcript from a satisfied customer...

Satisfied Customer: I am begging you, Mister Badwulf, I cannot pay my monthly payment on that Lexus Imperial I bought. I lost my job! The auto plant shut down the night shift and I lost my job!

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (scowling) That is terrible. You say you lost your job, too?

Satisfied Customer: I lost my job! (weeping) And now I cannot pay for my car!

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (clicking on computer) Hmmmm. So, if you had a job, you could keep up on this fine Lexus Imperial with the leopard interior and Krell sound system * ?

Satisfied Customer: (weeping) Woe is me!

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (looking at computer like a wolf at a chicken coop) Well, the obvious solution is to get you a new job, then isn't it. You aren't too picky about what you do, are you?

Satisfied Customer: (looking down at his feet) Well, not really. I drive a forklift at the plant. I can count up to ten.

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (left eye twitching) Do you have ... a criminal record?

Satisfied Customer: (eyes widening) I made a mistake in the past! I learnt my lesson! They trained me to be a telemarketer.

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (looking up from computer and peering through bifocals) Ex-cellent. You understand the telemarketing code of silence ... it is a job requirement for this position. I can set you up as a Recycling Transport Technician for the Mitchieville Public Library.

Satisfied Customer: Huh?

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (assuming a tone of voice like Al Gore) As you know, used engine oil is a dangerous waste product that causes Global Warming. People pay more to take away engine oil than for crack cocaine. (scratching goatee) And I want to pay you eighty thousand dollars a year to help me help make the world a cleaner place.

Satisfied Customer: (brightening, smiling) Wow. Thats great, Mister Badwulf! What a break! What do I have to do?

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (leaning back into harp seal leather chair) Well, we have a specially modified truck. It recycles discarded engine oil.

Satisfied Customer: (expression like being hit by a two by four) Huh? How does it do that?

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (leaning back, like a partisan from a newly laid land mine on a foot path) Oh, it pumps the oil onto the hot engine manifold. The dangerous, toxic stuff quickly recycles into an environmentally safe product. It looks like smoke, but is not smoke. Especially when you do it at night and driving fast on the 401. You can have the route through London, Ontario, or here, close by, in the Beaches in Toronto.

Satisfied Customer: (smiling) Thats great! My parole officer lives in the Beaches! I want to drive through there at night, recycling engine oil!

Caring Fenris Badwulf: (content, like a wolf after recycling a bunny rabbit) Wonderful. And as my way of saying thank you, your Lexus has a complementary free tank of gas, and a gift basket of candy for your woman on the front seat.

Satisfied Customer: You are the best, Mister Badwulf! Wait till I tell my girlfriend!

Caring Fenris Badwulf: Don't forget to take some campaign literature on your way out. It will be in the folder which explains your benefits, and an A-Z Ontario Drivers license, too.

Yes, I care. Perhaps, in your busy moments between now and the next election for Mayor of Mitchieville, you will pause to reflect on how I, Fenris Badwulf, have taken a leadership role in helping people. Perhaps I could help you become happier or achieve your goals. Everyone has their price. Let me help you to help yourself to the wealth of others. Let us share together, like the wolf family at dinner. You can be the wolf, or you can be the chicken, it is up to you on election day.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this at Mitchieville only, because some nosy, meddling do-gooders who write for this blog do not actually read it, because they really hate You, The People of Mitchieville.