Horoscope for the week of April 29, 2007

Certain doom walks the planet ... but for whom? Hmmm? Let the steady guidance of the Stars Above guide your financial destiny. Now, you can have access to the wisdom of the ancients when you read my weekly Financial Astrology newsletter. Starting next month, you (and you know who 'you' is), may take advantage of the exclusive Sargon the Magnificent's Financial Astrology E-zine. Consider now, and act later!

Aries: Your suspicions that the parking lot attendant is having a sexual affair with some other ground dwelling primate are confirmed when you discover two used and improperly discarded condoms in your glove box. This will happen on Tuesday, and ruin your luncheon plans.

Taurus: Pregnancy scare! It gets even better when Mom and Pop get in on the news (on Wednesday, when the Moon transits Ajax), and add to the excitement in person (that's Thursday). Eloping never looked better.

Gemini: Your ability to have loud neighbours electrocute themselves with sloppy house wiring will make you popular this bar-b-que season. And the cheap vino that flows into your tankard from your new friends is half as much fun as scalping them at those rigged games of Scrabble that you are known for (in some quarters).

Cancer: Someone keeps putting the old cat into the oven at night. If that old scabby Lynx doesn't stop pissing on everyones beds and slippers, you can expect the oven to be turned on by Thursday.

Leo: If your skin feels like it is going to burst, well, it probably is. And since you do not want your exposed intestines to cramp your seduction of whoever you are seducing, I suggest you shovel less into your mouth. This will give you more quality face time with your adoring public. They deserve you.

Virgo: Your favorite office stationary store seems to have been taken over by escaped prison inmates. The inventory is sloppy and badly sorted. The place stinks of Jamaican marijuana, the cash register area smells of fish, and the wastebasket is full of discarded wrappings from a first aid kit. Channel your inner vigilante while attending a Lee Van Cleef film festival.

Libra: What is delivered by the furniture store and what you actually thought you bought are two different things. One is tasteful, the other particle board with 'wood effect' spray treatment. The bandit furniture store owner will apologize to you when you are squeezing his testicles in your strong right hand.

Scorpio: Your neighbour is cheating at chess! But you do not even know their name! Such is the destiny you have drawn for this week.

Sagittaurus: Having the Bike Gang reject who put sweet and not dry vermouth into your martini strangled in front of you may have a certain appeal. Save such pleasures until Friday, and you can cheer up the staff with pizza and some coffee and donuts.

Capricorn: The sub-standard and shoddy bricks you sold to the glass furnace company are being installed in ... a new furnace. The beast is going to be fired up on Tuesday. Maybe you should be far away when the switch is thrown. Keep the fire proof suit in your car, too.

Aquarius: You discover a strange book catalog on public transit. Read it in privacy, in secrecy. Who are these people? Is it really safe to order books from them? Are the books safe? For once, you feel in peril of your immortal soul.

Pisces: The animals are over-breeding and no one seems to care. Are you the only one that can sense the danger all those feral beasts out there are to little children and old ladies? Did the raccoons eat that sweet old lady down the street? The chilling answer comes to you Friday, Pisces.

Confidential to Hespler: Soak the bones in vinegar ... that makes them soft.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this