Cooking With The Mayor

Much has been made of the brouhaha that has sullied the fine pages of Mitchieville over the last month. Reg and Lisa have been having a down and out, brutal brawl over who the best cook is and who has the best foods. The words that have been exchanged between the two are nothing short of frightful. First Reg said to Lisa that he's the best cook, and Lisa responds by telling Reg that he has a small penis and he should be ashamed of his hairy back. Wow, those were fighting words.

Let's end this nonsense once and for all and just admit what everyone already knows: Cooking is easy, any freakin' moooooron can cook. AND, I intend to prove it. Wait, that didn't come out right. I don't care, let's get cooking with The Mayor.

I'm going to teach you how to prepare a full meal today that will not only make you the envy of every household, but I'm going to teach you how to prepare a meal that is nutritionally superior to just about any natural food on God's green earth. Today we learn how to prepare a peanut butter sandwich.

Jesus once said, "Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach that man to cook that fish and you have a stuck up arsehole who brags about what kind of a bigshot cooking homo he is. Well, whipty doo". Actually, Jesus may not have said that, but yet he very well might have said that. Jesus said alot of things, and he spoke about fish quite often.

To prepare a proper peanut butter sandwich, you will need three things. You will need peanut butter, you will need a knife and you will need bread. You can either choose between white and brown bread, however, brown bread is for losers and members of Al Queda, so stick to white bread. Unless you really are a loser or a Muslim terrorist. Well, which one are you, Mohammad?

White bread is the best, so we'll go with that. There are a few choices in the peanut butter which you are about to choose, there are also many brands. I suggest buying Skippy, it's quite delicious and is very high is fat, unlike those other sissy-assed low-fat peanut butters that they make for soccer players and credit card consultants and other various non-manly specimens. Buy the chunky kind, don't buy the smooth, the smooth is also for soccer players, credit card consultants, and guys that masturbate to Survivor and other unwatchable reality-based television shows.

The next thing you will need is a knife. Don't use plastic, use the good metal knives. If you have some loose broad over that gets razamadazzled by magic tricks and shiny objects, use a credit card. Hahaha, I forgot, you can't get credit, you live in your moms basement. Fine, use a debit card, loser.

Take said knife and knife out a heaping helping of peanut buttery goodness and spread it on the WHITE bread...wow, I keep saying the word white, I feel like that racist, Imus. Anyway, make sure to cover the whole slice 'o bread, and fill it up completely. There is nothing worse than only covering a portion of the slice and leaving large blotches of whiteness. If you are found to do that, culinary experts like myself will hunt you down, shave your groinial area, spread liquid sugar on your raw, exposed funny spot and pour red ants all over you. So don't fuck this up, you don't get a second chance to make a great first impression.

There is no need for a plate or a napkin. You don't need a napkin because you aren't in the NAVY, and you don't need a plate because you pee standing up. Take a bite of that bad bastard and enjoy the rich, creamery goodness of God's finest food.

You sir/madam, are now as good, but most likely better, than either Reg (who apparently has a small penis) and Lisa (who also has a small penis).