Love--Exciting And New

I remember the first time I met Natasha, we were both volunteering our time at the annual Chlamydia and Molluscum Contagiosum Mixer for Promiscuous youths. Natasha was a performing contortionist, and I juggled chainsaws and smoked a pipe at the same time. When we weren't entertaining we both worked the juice bar in the food court.

The first time I actually met Natasha face to face, she was in one of her patented positions like she is in the picture, the *Twocanchew*. I was lost and asked her where the snack bar was, she told me I was looking at it. I told her that I still couldn't see it, so she spread her legs even wider. I finally caught on to the overt sexual reference she was throwing at me, and I laughed and laughed. Then we made crazy-ass love behind the dumpster right next to the midget cage.

The next few months are a bit of a blur for me, as they most likely are for Natasha. I got caught up in so many bizarre sexual positions in those few months that even to this day the only way I can eat cereal in the morning is if I'm standing on a midgets back, suspended from a ladder with a ball-gag shoved up my own ass. As I said, it's bizarre, and I'm hardly proud of myself for admitting this.

While I have to say that I learned a little about love and a lot about life in that time, in the end, Natasha broke my heart. She left me for a circus clown who sported a unibrow and played a mean banjo with his toes. In hindsight, I never stood a chance. Still though, some nights I lay on my couch, my legs pulled behind my ears, my arms pulled out of their sockets, my head literally twisted 190 degrees, I can still hear her voice, calling out to me, "влюбленность мэра iego вы пожалуйста удовлетворяете я". And I have no God-damned idea what the hell she's saying. Man, that's the most frustrating part. Fucking Russian language with all their stupid letters and sounds.

I hope you have learned something today, I hope you have soaked in some of the knowledge I gave you. Learn from my mistakes, my brothers and sisters, learn from my mistakes. Never, and I mean NEVER, date a Russian contortionist that gives you disgusting pick-up lines while all the while dreaming about short men who wear make-up and can hoop various vegetables up their own bum-holes. Just trust me on that.