Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2006
With five planets playing in Scorpio, things are bound to be exciting this week. I suggest you make up a 'bale out bag': a gym bag with a change of clothes, some money, and your spare identity cards. You may need to leave town quickly.
ARIES: Your armed holdup of the bank will go well on Tuesday. Shoot the hysterical insta-bank customer in the foot, the left foot for good luck.
TAURUS: A naked woman will walk past your kitchen window on Wednesday, around 7:30 pm. She will be followed by an equally naked man. This is the week to start changing you diet from heavy meat to lighter fish.
GEMINI: You will be propositioned by space aliens to join a multi-level marketing cult that sells bath salts. Their marketing pitch is interesting, but the lavender scented selection dissolves the skin.
CANCER: Finally, you will perfect the art of making pea soup. It is time to plan a new cruise. This batch of pea soup is really, really good.
LEO: You will have a moment of quiet reflection on the night before you lead your army into battle. Write these thoughts down.
VIRGO: This week, you get to win the lottery. If this is a Canadian lottery ticket, make sure that the ticket retailer does not cheat you of your winnings.
LIBRA: That bad smell is really a decomposing homeless person in your neighbours garage. That rubbing alcohol you poured into a vodka bottle only did half the job. Roll up your sleeves and prepare the rose beds for some calcium supplements.
SCORPIO: With five planets transiting Scorpio, I cannot predict a general destiny for your sign on a weekly basis. Just keep a change of clothes, and lay in a supply of condoms and bubble gum. You will have sex with an extra-terrestrial on Tuesday.
SAGITTAURUS: Noisy neighbours fornicating will keep you awake more than once this week. Be careful: if you ask them to be quiet, they will pull you into the orgy.
CAPRICORN: Your corrupt influence in politcal matters is drawing to an end. One of your rivals has gathered evidence and your repeated attempts to subvert them with money, threats, or base pleading goes unheard. You are doomed. Give up now while you still can. A slave rebellion is brewing in your dank, foetid underground factories of oppression. Nobody really likes you, they only like what you can do for them, you tyrant. Listen to the cries of those you have crushed underfoot, you monster. They scream for justice, access to sunlight, and a diet free of statist rations of bran mush and unpitted prunes. You may sleep well in your bed with your scented prostitutes, but a nightmare is gathering strength.
AQUARIUS: You will look very attractive in blue, this week. You will find the perfect hardness of lead for your mechanical pencil.
PISCES: That lost kitten you took under your protection turns out to be a rapidly growing and ever hungry cougar. They grow into the over hundred pound range, even bigger with all the high protein snacks you are feeding it.
Confidential to Vegas Bob: Just make the bets like I told you. Another suitcase of money will arrive on Thursday. The list is inside.
I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.
ARIES: Your armed holdup of the bank will go well on Tuesday. Shoot the hysterical insta-bank customer in the foot, the left foot for good luck.
TAURUS: A naked woman will walk past your kitchen window on Wednesday, around 7:30 pm. She will be followed by an equally naked man. This is the week to start changing you diet from heavy meat to lighter fish.
GEMINI: You will be propositioned by space aliens to join a multi-level marketing cult that sells bath salts. Their marketing pitch is interesting, but the lavender scented selection dissolves the skin.
CANCER: Finally, you will perfect the art of making pea soup. It is time to plan a new cruise. This batch of pea soup is really, really good.
LEO: You will have a moment of quiet reflection on the night before you lead your army into battle. Write these thoughts down.
VIRGO: This week, you get to win the lottery. If this is a Canadian lottery ticket, make sure that the ticket retailer does not cheat you of your winnings.
LIBRA: That bad smell is really a decomposing homeless person in your neighbours garage. That rubbing alcohol you poured into a vodka bottle only did half the job. Roll up your sleeves and prepare the rose beds for some calcium supplements.
SCORPIO: With five planets transiting Scorpio, I cannot predict a general destiny for your sign on a weekly basis. Just keep a change of clothes, and lay in a supply of condoms and bubble gum. You will have sex with an extra-terrestrial on Tuesday.
SAGITTAURUS: Noisy neighbours fornicating will keep you awake more than once this week. Be careful: if you ask them to be quiet, they will pull you into the orgy.
CAPRICORN: Your corrupt influence in politcal matters is drawing to an end. One of your rivals has gathered evidence and your repeated attempts to subvert them with money, threats, or base pleading goes unheard. You are doomed. Give up now while you still can. A slave rebellion is brewing in your dank, foetid underground factories of oppression. Nobody really likes you, they only like what you can do for them, you tyrant. Listen to the cries of those you have crushed underfoot, you monster. They scream for justice, access to sunlight, and a diet free of statist rations of bran mush and unpitted prunes. You may sleep well in your bed with your scented prostitutes, but a nightmare is gathering strength.
AQUARIUS: You will look very attractive in blue, this week. You will find the perfect hardness of lead for your mechanical pencil.
PISCES: That lost kitten you took under your protection turns out to be a rapidly growing and ever hungry cougar. They grow into the over hundred pound range, even bigger with all the high protein snacks you are feeding it.
Confidential to Vegas Bob: Just make the bets like I told you. Another suitcase of money will arrive on Thursday. The list is inside.
I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.
posted by The Mayor at 9:38 AM
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