Horoscope for the week of October 1, 2006

An excellent week as Mercury enters the perceptive sign of Scorpio, lending his quick wits and deft dealing from top, bottom, and middle of the deck to all those blessed to have a relationship with that sign. Venus rules in Libra and she is advancing steadily on Mars towards conjunction, which means sex. Maybe war. Anyway, you never really know with those two. Carry a condom and avoid tall buildings.

ARIES This week is like a medieval battle. You have your army, your enemy has his army, and there is a third army off to the side waiting to see how things develop. Rouse your partisans with a speech and push them forward into the hedge of spears.

TAURUS Too much activity elsewhere makes for a somewhat grumpy Taurus left to chew his cud as he watches life assault those other people. Buck up, Taurus. This is the week for you to take stock of your barn full of hay and oats for the winter.

GEMINI Your jaw will fall off from all the gossip and scandal that erupt around you. The week will feature a rising sequence of bump and grind as the sap flows in those around you. A school for scandal indeed.

CANCER Into your hands will come a book of ancient wisdom, disguised as a cookbook. As you delve into its secrets and learn the code phrases, you will take stock of your situation and plan next weeks adventures. Clean the fridge, please.

LEO You will be too busy later in the week to pay much attention to mundane tasks. Get your party clothes from the cleaners and restock your stash of condoms in the back seat of your car. Make sure the spare key to the handcuffs is back there too.

VIRGO Pop music has an added charm this week: it makes the philosophical concepts of truth, justice, and virtue seem difficult and not worth bothering with. Your brain is on vacation this week, Virgo. Load up on carbohydrates.

LIBRA Which is more fun? Watching a soap opera? Or living it? Yes, those powerfully embarassing moments when someone returns your underwear found in the back seat of a Lexus Imperial are upon you. Method acting ... it is you, Libra.

SCORPIO Mercury entering your sign gives you a fast mind to rival your legendary liver, Scorpio. Even cheating at chess is a snap! You will get laid when you make the duty visit to your ancient aunt at the retirement home. Nurses, eh what!

SAGITTAURUS Bricking your ideological enemy up in a wall never felt so good as it will on Wednesday. Victory is sweet, even if there is that smell to deal with in the weeks to come. Dress for your triumph and the worshipping adoration of your followers. You rule.

CAPRICORN A slow news week means slim pickings at the stock market. Even your well oiled rumor machine cannot manipulate much in the way of exploitable greed. This is a week to pause and observe. Investigate Cadmium for future reference.

AQUARIUS You will have the best sex you have ever experienced on Wednesday.

PISCES Your taste in wigs and fetish fashion accessories will be called into play when you are approached by a member of a secret intelligence organization. Keep twenty bucks in mad money handy for a fantastic deal in kitchenwares. Carry a change of underwear.


Confidential to Confused in Hespler: We moved into the market with five large, and have retailed all of that already. Send over the entire shipment using Harry 'the canoe'. You were right. Goldfinger says hello.


I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.