Good News
Finally, some good news in the morning to help you forget Stephen Harper!
Environmentalists have announced the successful completion of a program to reverse the extinction of the South Ontario woodlands wolverine. Fourty breeding pairs of these gentle folk of the woods have been reintroduced to the biohabitat of the Toronto area, in a co-operative program between the Toronto Humane Society, and Queen's University professor Guntram Shatterhand.
The wolverine is a peaceful vegetarian that lives in small family groups. Hunted to extinction by the white man in the eighteenth century, the poor defenceless creature that has never harmed anyone, the oppressed wolverine was prized for its fur and unjustly blamed for killing livestock, raiding food storage, and eating small children and babies. Seemingly immune to the black powder weapons of the time, the Toronto wolverine soon acquired the unfair racist profile as some sort of nasty forest killer. These are all lies, says Professor Shatterhand, who worked to reconstruct the DNA of the now extinct creature from preserved tissue found in museums. He used human DNA to fill in gaps in the genetic sequence, and help the resurrected creature to better adapt to urban living conditions.
First nations lore about the animal speaks of the wolverines kindness to lost children and helping widows with gifts of food and money. The Aztecs worshipped the wolverine as a manifestation of Xipe Totec, a vegetarian diety of ripened grain.
While all progressives celebrate this addition to the diversity of Toronto, there are some who have expressed doubts.
A series of attacks upon humans close to where the wolverines were released remains unsolved. The one survivor of these attacks claims a fiendish fur bearing creature waited in the back seat of her car and then attacked her when she drove onto the 401. She survived the attack with 254 stitches. Other victims were found dismembered and half eaten in their abandoned cars found across the Greater Toronto area. Doctor Shatterhand says that these attacks are the work of straight white Christian youth gangs wearing fur coats seeking to undermine the Kyoto environmental protection protocols. He says that it is absurd to think that these genetically modified animals could hunt people for food when they are, at best, only capable of simple language and use of primitive tools.
Given that the experts discount these outlandish claims, the City and People of Toronto can rest assured that they are safe and have nothing to fear from these gentle forest animals.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.
Environmentalists have announced the successful completion of a program to reverse the extinction of the South Ontario woodlands wolverine. Fourty breeding pairs of these gentle folk of the woods have been reintroduced to the biohabitat of the Toronto area, in a co-operative program between the Toronto Humane Society, and Queen's University professor Guntram Shatterhand.
The wolverine is a peaceful vegetarian that lives in small family groups. Hunted to extinction by the white man in the eighteenth century, the poor defenceless creature that has never harmed anyone, the oppressed wolverine was prized for its fur and unjustly blamed for killing livestock, raiding food storage, and eating small children and babies. Seemingly immune to the black powder weapons of the time, the Toronto wolverine soon acquired the unfair racist profile as some sort of nasty forest killer. These are all lies, says Professor Shatterhand, who worked to reconstruct the DNA of the now extinct creature from preserved tissue found in museums. He used human DNA to fill in gaps in the genetic sequence, and help the resurrected creature to better adapt to urban living conditions.
First nations lore about the animal speaks of the wolverines kindness to lost children and helping widows with gifts of food and money. The Aztecs worshipped the wolverine as a manifestation of Xipe Totec, a vegetarian diety of ripened grain.
While all progressives celebrate this addition to the diversity of Toronto, there are some who have expressed doubts.
A series of attacks upon humans close to where the wolverines were released remains unsolved. The one survivor of these attacks claims a fiendish fur bearing creature waited in the back seat of her car and then attacked her when she drove onto the 401. She survived the attack with 254 stitches. Other victims were found dismembered and half eaten in their abandoned cars found across the Greater Toronto area. Doctor Shatterhand says that these attacks are the work of straight white Christian youth gangs wearing fur coats seeking to undermine the Kyoto environmental protection protocols. He says that it is absurd to think that these genetically modified animals could hunt people for food when they are, at best, only capable of simple language and use of primitive tools.
Given that the experts discount these outlandish claims, the City and People of Toronto can rest assured that they are safe and have nothing to fear from these gentle forest animals.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.
posted by The Mayor at 6:41 AM
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